I decided on a camera

Finding my muchness - Day 4

As mentioned in yesterday's post, I've decided to take up photography as a hobby. Well, after researching a whole bunch of cameras and deliberating between a Sony and a couple of Canons, I finally decided on the Canon EOS 60D Digital SLR!

The local camera shop we visited today in Austin had it and we were able to check it out in person. My professional photographer friend Candace suggested just buying a camera body and then getting a 50mm f/1.8 lens separate to start. Unfortunately, the local camera shop wanted hundreds of dollars more than the online shop Candace suggested, so I opted to buy both the camera and the lens online to save the money. A BIG thanks to Candace for all of her help with my questions and decision making!

Of course, I had to get a cute bag from Amazon to carry it around. Now I can't wait for it all to arrive.

I can't wait to start taking photos!

I found my muchness in ordering a new toy and in the hope for a new hobby. Oh, the anticipation. :)

Post-op update and new hobby

Shortly after I wrote yesterday's post, the OBs office called me back. This time instead of an obnoxious scheduler, it was one of my favorite nurses. You know why she's one of my favorite nurses? She listens! She cares! Is that too much to ask? :) Anyway, as I explained the situation, instead of scolding me or trying to figure out when to do the appointment, she took the approach of do I even need to have this appointment to begin with? Sure enough, she talked to the OB and he confirmed I did not need to come in after all and that this appointment was actually optional for most patients. I still can't take a bubble bath or use our hot tub for another two weeks, but at least I can start exercising again! Life is returning to normal! Yippee!

In other news, I took a look at my blog post yesterday, specifically at that delicious cupcake picture. That photo was taken with my phone camera. In fact, all of the photos I take are with my phone camera. Despite how rich and pretty that cupcake was in real life, the photo just seemed so.....blah. 

I wish I had a good camera. 

And I wish I knew how to use it.

I've always had an interest in photography, and in fact I used to work as a graphic designer in the early 2000s and am very familiar with photo editing.  But the technical aspects of an SLR always seemed very overwhelming to learn so I haven't made it a priority to take it up as a hobby. But now that I'm blogging and posting photos, I have a much renewed interest in it! Plus, I am tired of infertility and treatments being my unwanted hobby in life. I'm sick of it trying to define who I am. I need something else to occupy me, and I think this is a perfect thing to do just that. I remember when all of the technical aspects of TTC and infertility treatments used to overwhelm me. Now, I could practically write my own book on it and teach classes! Hopefully I'll pick up what I need to know quickly.

My friend Candace has a blog over at cheese and cheesecake (non-IF blog.) She started off blogging a long time ago, and took up photography as a hobby for her blog. She has become so good, and is so incredibly talented that now she owns her own photography business. You can see her beautiful photos! I'm lucky to have such a professional to answer my newbie questions and give me pointers. She's even helping me figure out what camera to get! More news to come on that later, but I wanted to share how excited I am to get into this and have something else to focus on other than infertility.

Finding my muchness - Day 3

This photo was taken last night (again with my crappy camera phone.) Every once and a while, Kevin and I will make howling noises and Oscar will join right in. It always makes us laugh. Both of them are great howlers! HOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL!

I found my muchness in my wonderful doggy/hubby pack!  :)

PS: If you have a dog, this video will get him/her to howl. It works for Oscar every single time.

D&C post-op appointment vent

I was getting ready for work yesterday when I got a call from a scheduler at my OBs office saying the doctor will be off on Friday. They would need to reschedule my D&C post-op. Ugh. In a weird way I had been looking forward to it because I just want to know things are back to normal and I can go on with my life physically. It was disappointing to hear it would be postponed and this aspect of closure will be delayed.

The next available appointment they had was at 1pm next Wednesday.  Well, I work 10:30am -7pm M-F and that would mean I'd have to miss more work. Keep in mind that I've missed a lot of work between FET appointments and then ultimately the D&C/recovery itself. And unfortunately the next appointment they had available before my work hours wasn't until April 25th. This is almost a whole month past my D&C.

About an hour later, I called back later to see if the post-op appointment was just a talking appointment or it there was an actual exam performed. Because if it was just a talking appointment, I was probably going to skip it completely. When I called their phone went straight to voicemail so I left a detailed message. In the voicemail I asked if I could resume normal activities (baths, hot tub, exercise, etc) in the meantime and also asked if the visit was going to be an exam appointment.

To complicate things, I work in the Bermuda Triangle of cell signal because even though I am smack dab in the middle of a very populated area of Austin, I get little to no cell signal at my work. Neither do my coworkers. It's awful! In my voicemail I specifically asked that they call me at my desk phone knowing I wouldn't likely get the call on my cell.

But of course, murphys law -  around 5:30pm a voicemail symbol popped up on my cell phone with no ringing (thanks, Bermuda Triangle) and it was the OBs office. They said I can't resume normal activities until I have my appointment and that I should have just accepted the first appointment they offered me. WTF? What is that supposed to mean? I dare you to walk a day in my shoes right now. How could they say that I "should have just accepted the first appointment they offered?"

I swear, I love my RE. And I absolutely adore my OB. But the common denominator of doctor problems ALWAYS seems fall with the office staff.

It's not my fault that Friday's appointment wasn't going to work, it was theirs. I wish I didn't have to work at all and had the luxury of just rolling in whenever was convenient for them. By 5:30p their office had already closed so I tried calling again this morning, but again went straight to voicemail. I left them another voicemail to call my desk phone hoping to avoid phone tag and explained I can't miss anymore work, hence the need for a morning appointment. I even asked if I could see another doctor in the practice sooner. I feel like groundhog day. This kind of stuff drives me batty.

Vent over.

Now onto...

Finding my muchness - Day 2

I discovered a cupcakery that makes fabulous gluten free cupcakes just a block away from my work. I'm a pretty good cook and can bake up a storm, but ever since I learned I can't eat gluten I haven't done much baking. It's really hard to master gluten free baking since the flour is very finicky. So to find a place that knows what they are doing with baked goods, Score! Mmmmm.

Check out this little lemon-raspberry beauty with lemon icing and a cute little raspberry on top. And to my surprise, it had raspberry filling in the middle! I found my muchness today in the middle of a gluten free cupcake.

Accepting the "30 days of muchness" challenge

In yesterday's post, I copied a list from Standing Still Magazine with ways to honor your child. On that list, you may have noticed that it mentioned starting a 30 days of muchness challenge.

I was intrigued. What the heck is "muchness" anyway?

According to Tova, the author of the finding your muchness site:

Muchness is the energy, the life, the spark of positivity that fuels our days, our imaginations, our confidence. Kids are filled with Muchness. Their desire to see and learn and know and experience is something to be envied. As adults we often lose our Muchness. The day to day routines that can drag us down, the disappointments that sometimes seem like they’ll never end… we don’t take the time to see the positivity. We forget to be inspired.

The more I read about Tova's story, the more I felt inspired. What an incredibly strong woman. She lost her twin girls 6 months into pregnancy and has focused on healing and helping others find healing too. Her 30 days of muchness challenge seems like exactly what I need right now. The sparkle and glitter is all around us, we just have to take a moment to recognize it and call it out.

Challenge accepted!

I will identify one thing a day that brings me joy and post it to my blog with pics. I'll still write about what is on my mind and what is going on, but I think it will be an uplifting aspect to my day. I'm looking forward to it and already feel my spirit lift just thinking about it!

Finding my Muchness - Day 1

Today's muchness is the rain we got last night. Something about getting rain makes my heart tingle. It may be because we live in such a hot place with sweltering summers. Or it might be because Kevin is a major weather enthusiast (it's really cute.) But there is always this big anticipation in our household when a storm is on it's way to central Texas. Is it here yet? IS IT HERE YET? And when the rain and thunder finally rolls in, it's so cozy and wonderful. There are some nights when I'll wake up and realize Kevin isn't next to me. I'll find him in our formal dining room sitting on a chair and staring out the window at the storms at 3am! We have been blessed to have had two major storms in the past week and I just love it! You can see from the photo below that we planted herbs in the pots on our patio and it makes me happy to know they are getting some much needed moisture. Not to mention Maggie's tree needs it too which you can see on the far right side of the back of the yard.

I have found my muchness in the rain today.

If anyone else is interested in taking the 30 days of muchness challenge, let me know. I'd love to follow along!

What is on my mind?

What to update today? Hmm....Maybe I'll just do a brain dump of what I've been thinking about lately.

I'm doing okay. I really am. I am surprised at how well I am doing, actually. I'm not sure what I thought these days would look like. Maybe crying from morning to night? Well, I'm not doing that so I think I'm okay! I bet much of this goes back to the fact that we were dangled over the miscarriage cliff for so long before actually falling that we knew what was going to happen and processed much of it ahead of time. You're never ready to lose your baby, especially one that you've begged and pleaded with God for for so long. But I've learned that you can definitely come to terms with it as the process unfolds and even grieve while you're still pregnant.

It's still very hard to talk about everything with well-meaning friends and family since it is still so raw and fresh. Kevin and his mom finally talked about it yesterday after a long silence. Most of our friends have reached out with kind words and offers to lend an ear. We appreciate the show of care so much, but still know it's too soon. I know time will change that, but for now we are healing. I'm really glad I have this blog! Sometimes I write with tears streaming down my face but it feels like a healing outlet for me to get it all out. I know that many of you "get it" where as unfortunately so many in real life just don't. And I don't blame them. How could they understand without walking this horrific road themselves? I've also learned that there are things that others experience that I will never understand either. The best thing we can all do is acknowledge that we can't understand another's pain fully but love and care for that person regardless.

It seems that physically I'm healing pretty well from the D&C also. I still have some minor spotting, but nothing like it was a week ago.

I still miss my baby and the dreams of who she'd be, but I know history is written for us and baby Maggie not being here on earth is just how it is. Ask me how I feel tomorrow, and that might totally change. But today I'm doing okay with it all.

And for whatever reason I took a pregnancy test this morning and only an incredibly faint line showed. It was so faint that I could barely tell it was there. It was similar to the line I got on the night of 5dp5dt. So I bet my beta has dropped to below 10 now, which is great news as far as moving on is concerned. I never thought I'd actually want to see a negative pregnancy test! I have my post D&C follow-up on Friday and hopefully the OB says everything looks on track and we can cycle again in a few months when we get more embryos.

I will never forget my baby Maggie and she will always be a part of our family. I came across an excellent article yesterday about how to honor a child born straight to heaven in Standing Still Magazine: Embracing Life after loss and infertility. I thought some of these ideas were excellent and wanted to share in case any readers who have experienced loss have been considering ways to honor their child.

• Plant a garden (in your front/back yard or community)
• Release beautiful Sky Lanterns in their memory on a special day
• Make a memory Shadow Box
• Take memorial pictures at cemetery or cremation site or with urn
• Make a scrapbook / photo scrapbook of items worn/used or bought for child
• Make or buy a piece of jewelry (bracelet, necklace, ring) with your child’s name and date
• Get a Tattoo of your child (name, photo, date)
• Take photos of something in nature that help you feel closer to your angel (light, butterflies, flowers, dragonflies, etc…)
• Make a charitable contribution in your child’s name to your favorite charity or organization
• Collect Soy Jar Candles with scents that remind you of your child
• Create a place in your home for your child’s special things
• Purchase and name a crater on the moon after your child
• Name a star after your child (unofficial, but still cool)
• Start a charity or non-profit to help others in your situation
• Keep a blog and write your heart. You can even make it private if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your journey with others
• Do a balloon release on their special dates, or any day
• Participate in March of Dimes walk in their name
• Speak to your hospital about starting or being involved with the bereavement support program available
• Create or order a custom piece of jewelry with their name on it, and possibly charms that remind you of them
• Order a Molly Bear
• Get a custom portrait done (available for babies at any age)
• Plant a tree
• Donate memory boxes to your local hospital
• Donate to a local charity in their name, like Ronald McDonald House or March of Dimes
• Do a butterfly release
• Take a creative Photography course
• Order a Certificate of Life
• Miscarriage Certificates of Life (UK)
• Speak their name to anyone willing to listen
• Find your muchness with this 30 Day Challenge
• Celebrate their birthday, in a big or small way, whatever you might feel comfortable with
• Collect little things here and there that remind you of them
• Write a letter to them
• Take a creative writing course, or just start writing
• Send notes on helium balloons to them
• Order a customized candle or Guardian Angel bottle for them

Facebook is very painful

Today is finally a day I don't feel like a prisoner of my home and can get out and do something uplifting. Last weekend was full of cramping, bleeding, and recovering from the D&C, and even looming ER visits. Plus I had to work all week long. So now that I am physically doing better and it's a weekend, Kevin and I have decided to find activities that make both us happy and do them together and focus on that. I got up early and got a pedicure and a delicious coffee and we plan to have a blissful no-thoughts-of-losing-our-child kind of day. I left the salon right as the woman next to me pulled out photos of her beautiful newborn to share with her salon attendant. That was my cue to head out, no doubt about it.

And in a few minutes, we are heading to a nice lunch and then to an animal sanctuary zoo. But first I wanted to talk a little about Facebook and what it's like for someone to be on Facebook having traveled such a hard road of infertility and now loss.

I've had to make some serious changes to my Facebook. While I would like to remain on Facebook to continue to be part of some private infertility support groups, I've had to unfollow nearly all of my friends who have children and families. Kevin had to completely deactivate his for the same reason. This is going to be hard to explain, but those of you have dealt or are currently dealing with infertility and/or loss will understand completely probably with no explanation needed.

We love our friends and families dearly and we love their children so much. We love how happy they are and we are happy for them too. But believe it or not, you can feel both immense joy and debilitating pain at the exact same time when it comes to the subject of your loved ones' children. It hurts beyond comprehension to be reminded of what we don't have and may never have. To see children's milestones, baby photos, the videos, life updates, funny things kids say, the pregnancy announcements, the birth announcements, bump updates, the first days at school. All of these things rip open already deep wounds that seem to never heal. Of course the parents should be proud and should share. We would do the same if we had children. But for right now we know the issue is in our world. Yet the pain we are experiencing is just too great regardless of how much love we have for our friends, families and their children. We recognize that we can't be exposed to it right now. Those who have never suffered like this may feel this is selfish. All I can say is there's no possible way for you to understand what this is like unless you've been down this hellish road yourself. It's a million times darker and harder than losing your own mother to cancer, and I can speak from experience on that one.  I don't expect the world to change for us, but we must change our world right now.

It's even harder when we see someone complain or even jokingly complain about their children or pregnancy.  In fact, I confronted one woman recently who offered one of her children up in a "Free child for the taking" post. For as many friends as she had on her friends list (300+) I guarantee I wasn't the only one who was hurt by her post that given that 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility. Most people don't recognize what an incomprehensible blessing their children are. I spoke up on behalf of all of those silently suffering and I am glad I did. She didn't mean to offend or hurt, but I think it was important to understand the pain these kinds of posts cause.

I hope it will get easier someday. We are in a dark place right now and are trying to focus on one another for our healing. We hope someday will be our turn. But we have suffered for years and now have been dangled torturously over a high cliff for weeks on end only to finally be dropped to then sustained horrible injuries. We are still assessing the damage done and are working on rehabilitating ourselves. Limiting our exposure to our friends and families children updates is important to the healing process right now.

In an effort to spend some time together just as the two of us, Kevin and I are going to a new fancy bistro for lunch, then visiting an animal sanctuary/zoo here in Austin. I am so looking forward to it! We went there last spring and had a wonderful time. We are huge animal lovers, and this particular sanctuary rescues zoo animals from terrible situations and gives them a place to live out their lives. Most of the animals are misfits such as goats with tremors, three-legged wolves, geriatric lions and tigers etc. It warms my heart so much to be around animals, especially ones that had once hard lives yet since rescue now have good ones. Animals are so healing for us as humans if we let them be. In fact, our three wonderful pets were rescues from horrific neglect and abusive situations and are all misfits in one way or another. I'll have to dedicate a separate post to them one day. But know that they now live the lives of spoiled little fur balls. They are appreciative and seem to know when we are hurting and make an effort to help us in their own ways. No matter how bad we feel, animals always help us feel better.

Here are some pictures of our pets. Chloe is the toothless black kitty, Nadia is the fatty calico kitty, and Oscar is the blind-in-one-eye dingo-eared hotdog-shaped brindle dog. He's dressed up for Halloween, he's not actually a Travis County sheriff. Hard to believe, I know.

I hope everyone has good plans to enjoy the weekend.

The first week post-miscarriage

I can't believe I've made it through a week post-miscarriage. I never thought a "me" could exist after losing a baby, yet here I am... existing. Not sure if that makes sense, but it does to me. You just don't think ahead in life about what it would be like AFTER losing a baby.

Yesterday was our appointment with the counselor. Kevin went with me and it felt really good to get a lot of what has happened off of both of our chests. This particular counselor specializes in infertility and issues surrounding donor gametes so it was wonderful to know she understood what we were talking about without going into a lot of explanation. While at the appointment, we learned a lot about the grieving process, and about how important it is that Kevin and I care for one another during this difficult time. Most of the appointment was us talking and the counselor listening. However, she had some great advice when we did let her speak. I'm sure I can't capture her words as eloquently as she actually put them. But basically she said one of the best ways to make yourself miserable is to constantly ask yourself "why me?" Many times people get into a major rut because they won't let go of the "why me" aspect. We as humans try to look for patterns and explanations for why bad things happen to us but....

There is no pattern, no explanation. No reason why we drew the card and got picked for such severe infertility and why we shouldn't be able to have children. No reason why we got picked to lose our baby. That's the unfortunate fact of life for us but we have to accept it to move through the grief.

It's best to attempt to use our energy on things we can impact like putting a plan in place for moving forward.

She also explained that anger is a sign of fear and helplessness. Many times the most aggressive dogs are the little ones! I've definitely noticed that in my years of volunteering with animals. I've rarely met a chihuahua without some major attitude! That's because they recognize that they are physically small which leads to fear and helplessness so they turn to aggression. I've found my emotions wrought with anger through parts of this process and I realize that much of it did stem from fear and helplessness.

Lastly, while it's okay to question God to some degree, one of the most harmful things we could do is let go of Him completely right now. I'm not sure if the counselor was Christian or if she was just saying this because studies show that belief in a "higher being" is critical for working through grief. But she surprised me at the end of our session by saying that He felt immense amount of pain when His son was on the cross. He doesn't enjoy seeing his children in pain. And the worst thing we could do is sever our relationships from Him.

Here's the interesting thing. I came home from the session and spent a while continuing to talk to Kevin about what was discussed.

And then I slept like a baby last night for the first time in over a week. And it was WONDERFUL.

New clinic or old clinic?

I'm still recovering physically from the D&C last week. After the scary episode Easter morning where I was in excruciating pain and passed some clots/tissue, I thought that would be it and it was winding down. I stopped bleeding pretty much all day yesterday and even went back into work. However, toward the end of the day I started having pain again, and came home a little early and passed some more tissue! Thankfully it appears I've stopped bleeding yet again so I'm really hoping this comes to an end. The OB nurse said it's fine and to not worry. However, it's difficult for a lot of reasons. Obviously, it's hard to work when you're in a lot of pain and I can't keep running home from work every day. But it also reminds me of what we lost so recently when this continues. I feel like once my body decides to finally heal, I can really work on healing myself emotionally. Regardless, I have an appointment with a grief counselor tomorrow to talk about everything. I'm looking forward to it!

Surprisingly, I'm feeling better emotionally than I thought I would at this point. I think it's a combination of things. First, I knew this pregnancy was failing pretty much since our third beta result. So I had already come to terms with a lot of it so once it was completely over it wasn't such a shock. This isn't to say that I feel wonderful, it's still incredibly difficult. But I'm surprising myself at how I feel. I have a feeling it will sneak up on me later but I'm going to talk to the counselor about that tomorrow. Also, I think I have some hope for the future. 

I am also evaluating which RE we want to use for the next FET. We have loved the actual REs at both clinics, however some of the issues with my current clinic are causing me concern. However, I did get pregnant there so that is a huge plus! I just think it's smart to always think about my options just in case. There are a lot of factors that play into our decision as to where to cycle.

So just to cover my bases, I called my old clinic last week to ask about the status of their donor embryo program that they've been saying is in the works for a while now. When I talked to one of the nurses there, I mentioned our recent loss. She expressed her sympathy but I didn't think much more of it. Until two days ago, we got a sympathy card in the mail from not only that nurse, but the entire nursing staff AND my old RE! They all hand wrote their thoughts and sympathy for us, including the doctor herself. This is impressive considering what a huge clinic they are. They do over 800+ IVF cycles a year, they aren't a small mom and pop shop! To take the time to do that shows how much they care and I'm not even a current patient.

We had already been tossing around the idea of seeing if they would let us cycle with them for the next round. We would have last time if it wasn't for our current embryos allegedly not meeting FDA and ASRM standards. The FDA problem is that the genetic father lived in eastern Europe in the 80s. When my old clinic learned of this, they said they weren't willing to do the cycle there. However my new clinic said that because the embryos were created before the FDA rule came into place (2004 or so I believe) that it didn't apply. I emailed my old clinic yesterday and let them know this asking that they please reconsider. It may not even be an option.

Also a big factor is cost. My current clinic charges $4050 for a FET cycle. My old one charges $2500. My old clinic is incredibly convenient and is right here in Austin. My clinic now is in San Antonio (1.5 hours away) but has a satellite office in Austin. However, it isn't really that close to me and I'm still upset that I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy when I did not.

Lastly, while we are waiting to cycle I am going to get some more blood work done. Even though I don't have repeat losses, we don't have the option to make more embryos like many couples do. So my current RE has agreed to do a autoimmune panel and an MTHFR mutation test after just one loss. I'm wondering if I should request anything else to be added just to cover our bases. 

So that's where we are! Fingers crossed I have a pain free day at work today!

Update: The donor coordinator at the old clinic just responded. She said regardless of the date the embryo was created, they will not cycle me there with it because of current FDA guidelines. So I will stick with my current clinic. That's fine by me. :)

We are looking for embryos. Do you know of any?

In the past few weeks, Kevin and I have done a lot of thinking about and talking about next steps. The fact is that even though we are struggling just to have our first child right now, we would eventually like more than one someday. So that being said, it makes sense for us to start looking for more embryos now and have them ready for our upcoming FET as well as some frozen for future siblings. Of course we would love for our final remaining embryo to make it. But given how much money, time, and resources go into a transfer, we would be devastated if that final snowflake didn't survive thaw and that was our only shot. And it sounds like there's a good chance of that scenario unfolding based on what the embryologist said about it's chances. If it did survive thaw, we would love to have another good embryo to transfer with it. So that being said, it makes sense to start looking now. I talked to our previous donor Vicky and she is incredibly supportive and understands our desire to be parents and is cheering us on. I pray with everything I have that we find more and find them fairly quickly since waiting to find embryos last year was some of the most depressing times of my life. Hope changes to hopelessness quickly when you have no leads on the horizon.

Today's post is a plea to anyone who might be considering donating their remaining embryos to a couple, or to anyone who knows someone who is considering donating. We wish to be parents so much and have so much love to give. And having adopted embryos before, we are very familiar with how the process works and can do most of the leg work to make it happen. We will arrange for costs associated with shipping and drawing up the legal agreement. We just need a willing donor with embryos who wishes to give them a chance at life and wishes to give another loving couple the opportunity to be parents. And trust me, this process is much easier than it sounds.

If you are new to my blog, please know that we loved our adopted embryos so much. We put all of our heart and soul into them and their potential futures and it devastated us beyond comprehension us to lose two at thaw. Then to miscarry... words cannot express the love we had for our baby and the sorrow we feel now that she is lost. Know that we would love any future embryos just the same. We are dedicated to giving any received embryos their deserved chance at life.  I hope anyone reading my blog can see the dedication and love we had, and would have for any embryos we received. And while we felt it was a blessing knowing our donor in our open adoption relationship, we are open to any type of situation that a potential embryo donor might be interested in (open, semi-open, or closed.)

If you have embryos to donate or know someone who does, please email me at wishingonasnowflake@gmail.com and we will answer any and all questions you have. We have so much to give and we are an open book!