Struggles with my dad

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. It was kind of a hectic day with my dad. I'll talk about that later.

As far as our embryo selection goes, we told our embryologist we would let her select which two to transfer on the big day based on quality. She told us that all five of our embryos were excellent quality, so from a quality standpoint, there is no difference. The only thing that sets them apart is how they are frozen. Two from Libby's batch are frozen to a single straw, whereas the rest are all frozen as singles to straws. Because of this, she recommends we thaw and transfer the two-in-a-straw of Libby's and we can thaw the rest as singles next time. I let both Libby and Vicky know this because I think it's important for them to be aware of such an important decision. We love that final little day 6 snowflake from Vicky's batch with all of our hearts, but it looks like it will be waiting in the wings for this go-round. Vicky was incredibly supportive and understanding, as I knew she would be.

I have already knocked out two Lupron injections and even though the hot flashes have set in, I do feel good otherwise. It's funny how the smell of the alcohol swabs bring back so many emotions and feelings. Kind of a sensory overload at each shot!

This weekend has been really crazy, again. Seems like they all are lately! As you may know, my dad lives up the street from us. He has some serious health challenges. He is blind, bipolar, and severely diabetic. His blindness is a genetic disease with no cure, his bipolar disorder is for the most part, managed with medication. But his diabetes is incredibly out of control. He is in a large amount of denial about his diabetes, probably due to impulsivity from the bipolar disorder. He does not check his blood sugar at all, and anyone who tries to help him or encourage him ends up being his enemy. My whole family has tried encouraging him to take steps to better monitor and manage his diabetes, yet despite this, he refuses to make any changes. The more we try to help, the more he rebels. It's been tragic to watch because I know this will end up killing him one day. I think most of us have resolved to trying to show him as much love as we can while we watch him destroy himself slowly. I know it killed my mom to watch helplessly and she'd cry about it constantly.

Now that he is in Texas, he has been seeing the same primary care doctor that Kevin sees. I am not privy to what happens at his appointments, but we trust his doctor completely. My dad recently had some blood work done, including his A1C, and while I don't know the actual results, the doctor recognized how out of control his diabetes is and ordered a home care nurse for him. They are quickly seeing that his lifestyle is going to kill him if he doesn't get a handle on it.

It has been wonderful that this doctor is giving him this advice without the involvement of any of his family members. My dad realizes he can't make us the enemy this time because we aren't involved with it this time. I think he is finally starting to recognize that the diabetes it the enemy. It's the first time I've ever seen him take any medical advice about his health to heart. It's an answer to my prayers. The nurse started visiting him this weekend, and based on what she saw, she gave him an increase to his insulin and ordered him a talking blood glucose monitor. Shockingly, he has cooperated with most of it. But I was pretty alarmed to hear that the nurse suggested he be admitted to the hospital on Friday night due to extremely high blood glucose levels, and of course, he refused to go. But she stayed with him all night and gave him insulin until his levels came down to a reasonable place again.

My dad and I had lunch yesterday, and we had a good conversation about it. For the first time ever I felt like he was listening and acknowledging that he needs to help himself. I let him know that I am so happy to hear that he's trying to take control away from his diabetes. I told him how proud I am of him! I have insulin resistance myself, and while I am not diabetic, I also have to recognize my limitations in my diet if I want to remain nondiabetic. I also test my blood glucose from time to time. We talked about good food choices, and all of the yummy things he can eat and get excited about. I invited him over for dinner tonight, which is always a diabetic friendly menu due to the way we eat in our house due to my insulin resistance.

So now you're caught up on my struggles with my dad and his diabetes. I pray he is going to make some good choices and his diabetes gets under control. If he doesn't, the reality is that one day I will go over there and find him not breathing. Or he may die an awful death from diabetic ketoacidosis. Or worst still, suffer amputated limbs or other terrible complications before a miserable death. I'm trying to be as prepared for this as I can. But for now, I'm going to hang onto the hope that this time just might be different.

Lastly, Nadia's blood glucose tanked last night into the 40s again last night. We were up into the wee hours of the morning testing and feeding. We are lowering her dose again, but it seems like diabetes has quite the influence on our lives right now.

The missing embryo has been accounted for

The fifth embryo has been accounted for. Apparently, it never existed to begin with. Libby called her lab yesterday and talked to a manager. He reviewed her paperwork and history and assured her there was never a fifth. This means that the woman she spoke with way back in May who told her the exciting and unexpected news of the fifth embryo was just flat out wrong. What an insane and irresponsible mistake to make. Chalk that up to one of many. I am so grateful these embryos are out of their incompetent hands.

Libby and I both feel relieved that there is not a lonely snowflake lost at her lab. And I'm very happy to know that ALL of her four remaining embryos are safe and sound at my lab. I know and trust the embryologist here and I have 100% confidence they will be taken care of to the highest standards. But of course, I can't help but feel a loss for the imagined fifth snowflake that we had planned and prepared for all this time.

That feeling of loss is far out-shadowed by the feeling of relief and gratitude for the four we received. I now have five incredibly high quality blasts waiting for me, including the day 6 blast from our first donor, Vicky. This is an unbelievable blessing for me as a woman who could have never in a million years have created five frozen embryos using my own body. My head is still spinning thinking about how many obstacles we had to overcome to get to this point. I can't believe what a fight it has all been. But it has all been worth it to feel the way I do today. My little frozen babies are here. I can't believe I start injections tomorrow. I can't believe we have another chance.

I can't believe we might actually be parents.

And the icing on the cake is that when I got home, I found that the insurance company approval letter had arrived in the mail. It was like the beautiful culmination of all of our hard work and fighting finally came to an end yesterday. This particular chapter of the fight is finally over.

The embryologist made a strong recommendation as to which two blasts to transfer on game day. I'll post about that tomorrow once both of our donors know the plan. I want them to know first.

There is an embryo missing

First, the fantastically wonderful news: Four snowflakes made it to Texas.

Four are here, safe and sound. They have our name on them and are snuggled up in our lab in San Antonio. I am so happy about this. I am in love with them.

But you're probably wondering, what about the fifth?

Yes. There is one missing.

When we first got into contact with Libby, she thought she had four to donate and we were completely elated about getting four. Only when she called her clinic to get the ball rolling did they surprise her by telling her there was a fifth! We were so excited for the extra embryo! They even gave her grades: She allegedly had four 4BBs and one 5AA. They specifically said there were three frozen as singles to a straw and the fourth and fifth were frozen together in a straw. Four straws total.

Today my embryologist only got three straws, and the paperwork indicates there are two frozen as singles and one as a double. One is either physically missing, or it never existed to begin with. The more I think about this, I am starting to think that the person who originally told Libby that there was a fifth was wrong. It wouldn't be the first time that someone messed up over there, that's for sure.

But the other more terrifying option is... what if a single snowflake got left behind? I'm just sick to my stomach about the prospect of this.

I'm very confused in my emotions right now. I'm so over-the-moon happy that four of them are here but I'm sick to my stomach that one may be missing. Where is this little snowflake?

Please pray that we figure it out soon and if it legitimately exists, that we can get it here right away with no hiccups. If it doesn't exist, I think I will feel some amount of relief that one was not needlessly left behind.

Libby is going up the ladder at her clinic to get answers. We are both sick about the missing embie.

105 degree weather and Lupron don't mix

I should be getting a call from my embryologist today announcing my beloved snowflakes made it here and are safe and sound. I'll make sure to post a quick update once I get that call so you all will know as well.

In the meantime, let me tell you about my medication delivery yesterday.

I had to order my meds from two pharmacies due to my insurance only willing to cover the Lupron through one particular specialty pharmacy. I spent probably an hour and a half on the phone on Tuesday getting everything lined up with them for a Wednesday delivery since I knew I'd be working from home to accept everything. The order from the first pharmacy arrived yesterday morning around 9am, perfect and in good shape. I put it all in my pretty little cycling box, which is the same box I've used every cycle.

But I waited and I waited and waited for the second delivery which had the Lupron in it, and of course, this is the injection I need to start first. It finally arrived after 7pm.

The shipping box was burning hot. Which makes sense because it sat in the back of a dark brown UPS truck for the entire day and it was 105 degrees out in Austin. I quickly ripped the box open to check the Lupron itself, and the Lupron vial was burning hot too. I checked the temperature storage guidelines, and it was definitely far above that.

Ruined.

I frantically called the pharmacy and told them they needed to send another, only this time with cool packs and arrange it to arrive in the morning at my dad's house up the street. They quickly agreed, apologized, and set up the new delivery. I'm watching for it to arrive and then I can finally declare the medication portion of this cycle ready to go!

And speaking of Lupron, my nurse got back to me on the rationale for the increase this time. I guess it was an intentional thing they have done for everyone at my clinic due to some women ovulating through it on lower doses. I'm not concerned that I would do that, but I figured I'll just go with the flow and take the doubled amount. I'd hate to learn I had ovulated through it and then find my cycle was delayed or cancelled.

But heaven help me. I'm going to be pumped full of loads of Lupron during the hottest parts of a Texas summer. The hot flashes last time were insane on half the dose. I think our a/c might be turned on to 30 degrees all day long while I'm cycling!

I also woke up to bleeding this morning which is odd since I'm on birth control. I'm sure it's fine and it's only normal breakthrough bleeding, but I didn't have that last time.

Stay tuned for the snowflake shipping update!

Bon voyage, little snowflakes!

Today is such a special day! It's the day five precious little snowflakes will be loaded into a tank, then boarded onto a plane, and will be headed to their new home in San Antonio, Texas.

I am so excited my head is about to explode.

Please keep these embryos in your prayers. I just need them arrive safely and I pray there are no problems along the way. I will be thinking about them and worrying about them until my embryologist tells me they are here safe and sound tomorrow. I've been through this once before, and I'm sure everything will be okay. But moms worry, right?

I'm still in shock as to how quickly things picked up! I have been standing still for so long, and now I feel like I'm back in the race sprinting like a mad woman. I had no idea I'd be getting my calendar yesterday, let alone medications delivered today, and then starting injections Saturday. No complaints here! I'm very grateful and excited! My transfer is just over a month away.

I did notice that my calendar has twice as much Lupron indicated on it this time, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I have DOR and I was surpressed just fine on the amount before, so I asked my nurse to explain the increase to me. If there is no explanation and it was just something she pulled out of her hat, I'd rather do a similar protocol to last time since it worked (albeit a loss, obviously.) My RE also mentioned I will be taking baby aspirin after transfer, but I didn't see that on the calendar either. I'm waiting for the nurse to respond.

I also need to make an appointment for acupuncture since it's something my RE has suggested I do. I have been putting it off until I had a calendar because I'm not a big believer in it for FETs. I think there is some evidence that it can help poor responders for a fresh cycle, but it didn't in my case. Not only that, it was difficult and stressful to be taking time off of work work on top of all of my other RE appointments, and to fork out $85 bucks a session out of pocket. I'll do anything that might help, but I didn't find it to be a useful experience. I'll just suck it up and do it again. Id rather get a full body massage once a week because that's less stressful and more enjoyable lol. But I'm following my RE's orders!

And my transfer date is...

My transfer is scheduled for September 12th!

Here is my calendar:

All of my meds were ordered this morning and will be delivered tomorrow. I start Lupron injections on Saturday. 

Wow!

My beta is scheduled for September 23rd, the day before Kevin's birthday. I am praying extra hard that it's great news and not a negative. That would be really devastating.

Estimated due date of hoped-for baby: May 31. May just might turn out to be a happy month for me after all. :)

Guesses on my transfer date

I think I may actually get my calendar today! My nurse just emailed me letting me know she's working on it right now. She told me to stay on my active birth control pills so I have a feeling I will go right onto Lupron since I've been in a holding pattern on birth control pills for so long. I'm completely speculating based on my last FET calendar, but I have a good feeling my transfer should be on or around September 9. That would give me an early June due date. I originally thought, and hoped even, that my transfer might be on my birthday (August 30) but it looks like that might be a bit too early. Oh well, it doesn't matter. It will be a wonderful birthday present knowing my transfer will be just around the corner and also knowing the embryos are already in Texas waiting for me. I have a feeling I'll be in great spirits just knowing that alone.

No matter what the date is, I'm dying to get it! I told my nurse that getting a calendar is like Christmas morning. I will post a copy of it once I get it. I can't wait, I seriously can't wait.

Two days left until these beloved snowflakes arrive in Texas. 

The empty shipping tank should be arriving at the donor lab sometime today. I find myself thinking about the tank, what it looks like, and where it's at, and what is happening to it at that exact moment. And get ready, blog readers, because I will be asking each and every one of you for all of the prayers you can muster up tomorrow as these little ones are loaded on a plane and headed for the great state of Texas. I will be worried about them en route, and pray that their guardian angels (and my mom) watch over them and keep them safe. What an exciting week!

I have also found myself constantly thinking about Libby and my immense gratitude for her selfless gift. It truly is life changing. I know there may be pieces of this process that may be difficult for her as she gives this piece of herself to someone else. But words can't adequately express how thankful I am that God led us to her. And it seems that each day that draws nearer to these beloved snowflakes' arrival, I feel my heart ready to explode. I am in love with all of these embryos and I can't wait to "meet" them. I can't wait to know they are finally here.

Great, I'm crying again. Only this time tears of gratitude and overwhelming anticipation. :)

An unusual find

Last night, I was making spaghetti sauce using Kevin's mom's famous recipe. It always tickles me to be able to use a special family recipe over one I find in a cookbook or online. I'm sentimental like that, I guess. It got me thinking about some of my mom's famous recipes that unfortunately she took with her to her grave, particularly her famous macaroni and cheese. My mom and I used to email back and forth all the time and I have email archived all the way from 2004! So on a whim, I decided to search my email to see if for some crazy reason she may have emailed the recipe to me somewhere along the way.

And.....unfortunately, I couldn't find it. 

But what I did find was a document my mom had emailed me in 2008 containing some other famous recipes my great grandma had passed down to her. She told me they were used for generations and were very, very old. How cool is that? Now, some of these I can't eat as written due to my gluten intolerance but I think it's awesome I found them just as well. And if I ever did want to make them, I could probably alter them to be gluten free one way or another.

The one that particularly excited me was the blackberry pie recipe. My mom used to talk about the fond memories she had spending summers at a lake house in Washington where she would water ski and help her grandma bake famous blackberry pies. I never even realized I had this recipe in my possession all this time. I also remember the sausage fondue recipe as something my grandma would fix every Christmas eve for us to eat on Christmas morning. I'm excited that now I'll have the opportunity for that tradition to live on with our future children. Here are a few recipes that I will share with you!

Blackberry Pie
2 crust 8” pie shell

½ - 1 c sugar

2 Tbsp cornstarch

1/8 tsp salt

3 c fresh berries

1 Tbsp butter

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.  Fix berries in pie shell and top with mixture of sugar cornstarch and salt.  Dot with butter.  Cover with top crust and bake for 10 minutes.  Reduce heat to 350 degrees and bake for 30 minutes more.

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Auntie Margaret’s Fudge

4 ½ c sugar

1 c milk

1 ½ c butter

1 tsp vanilla

1 lb Hershey Bars

1 jar marshmallow cream

1 c nuts

12 oz pkg chocolate chips

Combine sugar, milk and butter.  Boil 5 minutes stirring constantly.  Add vanilla and pour over Hershey bars, marshmallows, nuts, and chocolate chips.  Stir until melted and pour into pan.  Refrigerate. 

Makes 5 lbs of fudge.

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Grandma's Sausage Fondue (Christmas breakfast casserole)

8 slices bread – cubed

2 c sharp cheese

1 ½  link sausage

6 eggs

2 ½ c milk

¾ tsp dry mustard

1 can cream of mushroom soup

½ c milk

Cook sausage and cut into small pieces.  Drain well.  Into a 13x9 inch greased pan spread the bread.  Layer sausage over cheese.  Beat eggs, 2 ½ cups milk and dry mustard.  Pour over above.  Put into refrigerator and let set overnight.  The next morning, mix soup and ½ cup milk; pour over above.

Bake at 300 degrees for 1 ½ hour.

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And as far as these snowflakes go, the shipping tank is leaving Texas today and heading for the donor lab. It will arrive tomorrow. T minus three days until these snowflakes arrive!!!!!!!!

Daydreams

Ahhh....I feel like such a weight has been lifted! Friday's news was wonderful! My spirits are high once again, and I'm full of hope. In fact, I was out shopping yesterday and managed to stop by the baby section to browse for a children's book or two. That is saying a lot! I usually avoid the baby section like the plague. It's just too hard. Along our journey, I have started a kid's book collection. The memories of my mom reading books to me are some of my most cherished. Dreaming of the day I get to have our child's sleepy little body curled up on my lap as I read to him/her makes me the most happy.

I decided to pull out the books and lay them on the floor of our empty future nursery and take a picture. I have quite a collection already!

We have a big box full of baby items that has been tucked away since my miscarriage. Here are a few of my favorites: A white fuzzy bear outfit, complete with ears and a tail. And also a tiger onesie with tiger toes and a tiger face on the bum! Thanks for the photo bomb, Nadia.

And one of my personal favorites for obvious reasons - a snowflake onesie.

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All in all, being able to go upstairs and pull these items out of their box was a good measurement of my current mental status. Because usually the thought of going up there and looking at all this stuff is too painful. But right now I have hope and I'm looking forward to the next steps. I'm allowing myself to daydream and it feels good.