These silly sticks

I don't (and shouldn't) put a lot of stock in these stupid sticks, but I had one left from my 3-pack and figured I'd just give it a go this afternoon. It finally says 2-3 weeks instead of 1-2 weeks. What does that mean for my beta? Who knows? But I think it's safe to assume my hcg is rising and since these sticks measure time from conception, my pregnancy is right on track since I'm 4w3d today. And while I know it's silly to care what a silly stick says, it does make me feel a little better to see 2-3 in that window. I'm glad these CBEs are all gone. I only have one FRER left and a handful of wondfos. The allure of POAS is starting to wear off for me anyway, which is a good thing!

Monday's beta seriously can't get here soon enough! If it wasn't for the weekend, it would have been scheduled for today. I never thought I'd want to wish a weekend away! Thanks for all of the comforting words during my serious case of the crazies!

And the fear sets in

I was living blissfully on cloud nine for a few days, but just as I knew it inevitably would, the fear of infertility brain and pregnancy-after-two-losses brain has totally set in. Now I'm finding myself terrified just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I could just be blissful again. Just an example of another way that infertility and loss robs us.

As for testing, I have so many home pregnancy tests that I can't help but POAS each morning and I'm getting a mixed bag of results. The FRER isn't show as dramatic of progression morning after morning, but the wondfo got super dark today compared to yesterday. Like WAY dark. Check that puppy out!

I am still showing 1-2 weeks on a CBE digital weeks estimator. I wish it showed 2-3 weeks for extra reassurance, but then again I'm only 4w2d along so it's in line with that. I guess I would just feel better if it did.

Has anyone else used the CBE weeks estimators? I haven't decided if they are helping me, or messing with my head. I've read 1-2 weeks on these means hcg is under 156. On other sites I've read its below 200. But overall, it seems these CBE digital weeks estimators seem to be flukey on the weeks estimation. The more I read about them, it seems that not only is there a wide range of hcg values that will trigger a new category, but in many cases it's completely inaccurate. I've read accounts of women who used them, had their blood drawn that same day, and their actual hcg is completely different from  what the CBE test showed. Still, my crazy IF brain would love for it to say 2-3 weeks!

Overall, I have no tangible reason to think this pregnancy might also not end well. I am just damaged from my past. I wish I could shake it and enjoy myself again. But no matter how much I try, I can't! I hope my beta brings reassuring news on Monday.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We had a nice day, and it was a good distraction from the worry.

Update: I had a hunch that the Wondfo was a little darker than it should be, so I tried one more a few hours later and sure enough it wasn't nearly as dark as the first. It was still just a smidgen darker than yesterday's, but clearly the wondfo in the picture above is a fluke. Must have extra dye or something!

First weekly milestone

Today marks my first weekly milestone. I'm 4w0d pregnant!

A few of you have asked me about symptoms so far so I figured I'd post about that today. I obviously can't be sure what is a pregnancy symptom vs PIO, but here's what's going on with me.

Gum Swelling: This started at about 3dpt. I could start to feel my gums swell around just around one tooth on the bottom left side of my mouth. I thought that was a little unusual and wondered if it might mean I was pregnant. Now I feel swelling above a tooth on the top left so the swelling is isolated and seems to move around my mouth.

Hot flashes: These aren't as intense as they were at 3dpt, but I'll just start sweating from head to toe out of the blue. I will feel like I need to step into a freezer for relief! I'll get mild ones here and there, but the intense ones for me seemed to happen mainly around implantation.

Cramps: I've had all kinds of feelings going on in there that seem to change day by day. Sensations have gone from a feeling of fullness (hard to describe), sharp cramping, dull cramping, twinges, pulling, tickling, stretching, and even a feeling like something was tugging on my bladder! This morning I have a much more dull and constant period-like cramping.

Tender Breasts: I had this symptom really strong from 3dpt to 5dpt and now it's lessened a bit. When I realized it was subsiding, it scared the life out of me, but I understand it's normal for symptoms to come and go. I had tender breasts with my first pregnancy, and somewhat with my second, but neither compared to the intensity I've had on this one.

Nausea: I've had two bouts of nausea over the past few days.

Constipation: This has been extremely prominent! PIO is notorious for causing this on it's own, and I'm on 2mL daily which is twice the amount most people take. Pregnancy can cause this as well, so put the two together and you're where I am at! I'm taking Colace and trying to get as much fiber as I can but I think this one is going to be an uphill battle.

Fatigue: I've found myself falling asleep almost the moment my head hits the pillow at night which is unusual. I end up getting a good night's sleep and end up waking up super early! Even with 8+ hours of sleep, my eyes burn while I'm at work and I feel like I need to close them and doze off. But of course I can't do that.

Heightened sense of smell: This one is borderline. I can't tell if it's in my head or not, but I'm feeling extra sensitive to at least perfumes. I've noticed myself thinking "Whoa, that lady's perfume is strong" on WAY more occasions this week than I usually do, which either means lots of ladies around me are wearing strong perfume lately (unlikely) or I'm noticing it more because my sense of smell is heightened.

Nasal congestion: My nose started being stuffy about 4dpt and hasn't let up. Breathe right strips are my best friend!

Headache: I have a mild, constant headache. I think it may be related to the fact I'm congested and can't use any nasal decongestant sprays. Or maybe it's a headache all on it's own. Who knows? But it's there.

Eye twitching: This is a weird one, but my eye has been twitching a LOT since the day before my BFP! This happened with my first pregnancy. It also started the day before that BFP and lasted until about a week after my D&C. I can't help but assume it's related even though it's bizarre.

By no means is any of this complaining. As I stand back and think about it, I find it fascinating and beautiful that something so tiny can make my body know it's presence. I'll take all of it and then some if it means I get to hold one or both of these babies in my arms someday!

Little Wonders

Yesterday morning, I showered and got ready for work. I hopped in the car and decided I'd turn on my "singable" playlist for the drive in. After all, I was in a singing kind of mood after seeing the beautiful word Yes+ appear on my pregnancy test! 

The 25 minute drive into work consisted of me belting out some Cher, Jason Derulo, and Less Than Jake. But just as I was just pulling up to my office, a song I had totally forgot about came on: Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

I love this song and I can't believe I had forgotten about it. But as it began to play, I found myself vividly remembering the lyrics. And as it played and I sang along in an increasingly wavering voice, I could start to feel happy tears streaming down my face.

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours

these little wonders,

these twists and turns of fate
time falls away, 
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

While I obviously can't be even close to sure that the hardest part is over, I let my guard down for those few moments and allowed myself to believe that it just might. I know one thing for sure. I'll never take a second of any of it for granted.

Have you ever been blindsided by a song during your struggle or after your success that brought you to tears? What song was it?

And last, I'll leave you with this morning's test progression.

I'm blown away by the darkening of my pregnancy tests. I've never seen this kind of noticeable difference day after day in the past. I can't help but be hopeful. I can't help but feel like this time is different.

Yes or No?

Yes is better.

Oh, how I longed to see this beautiful word pop up on this little screen last pregnancy, but it never did. It kept yelling at me morning after morning with the curse word of: No - That was the first sign that my pregnancy was headed downhill. I am so grateful today was an easy YES+.

And for those of you who like to see progression, here's yesterday's compared to today's. The second line started showing after only about a minute.

I'm still cautiously optimistic after enduring two miscarriages. I think I'll be pretty scared until I see a heartbeat, which is further than we've ever been before. Who am I kidding? I'll probably still be terrified after that. But today I am relishing in these early milestones that never occurred this early on in the past. I'm taking each day at a time, and so far each day has brought reassurance, hope, and joy.

This crazy lady tests at four days past transfer

Somehow in this wacky brain of mine, I rationalized that yesterday (morning even!) wasn't too early to test (4dp6dt) even though logically I knew it was positively insane and way too early.

So you can imagine my absolute shock when a second line appeared.

Oh. My. Gosh. OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH.

This morning a FRER showed positive within the three minute testing window, which never happened last time.

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea if both embryos implanted, or if one (and which one) but I am over the moon. I have renewed hope because of this pregnancy producing such an early positive. Could both twiblings actually be growing in there? Time will tell!

You know what else is crazy? Austin has snow in the forecast tonight which never happens. We get snow once every four years or so in January or February, but it's NEVER ever this early on in the year. I am taking it as a beautiful honor to my beautiful snowflakes!

Beta is scheduled for 12/2/13 which will be 13dp6dt.

Please, OH PLEASE let these babies stick around this time!

What's the deal with these hot flashes?

I'm 3dp6dt and I'm experiencing crazy hot flashes this morning. I feel like I could fry an egg on my forehead and am dripping in sweat! Could this be a good sign? A bad sign? No sign at all? It's playing tricks on me because I think back to last cycle where I had insane hot flashes the day before I learned of my BFP. Could this be my body's way of handling implantation? Or is it a coincidence? This morning I even decided to walk outside in my skimpy nightgown to let the 25mph icy winds blow on me just to find a little relief! Ahh, it felt so nice!

Anyone have hot flash stories that ultimately related to getting good news? No news? Bad news? Give it to me straight!

A flow chart of our snowflakes' history

Welcome, ICLW! In a  nutshell, I'm 2dp6dt waiting for the results of a very unique transfer! 

To catch you up, we've adopted embryos from two completely different embryo donors, and transferred one of each on November 19th. This means I could potentially be pregnant with twins who aren't related to me or one another, or a singleton who we won't know the genetic background of until birth. Or of course, I may not become pregnant at all or miscarry again which would royally suck but I'm braced for any outcome. My beta is scheduled on December 2nd, but I know I can't hold out that long. So stay tuned because I have a feeling the home testing will start in a few days. To learn more about what brought us to this situation, click on the Our Story tab.

At my transfer on Tuesday, Kevin pointed out that it took the love and actions of nine people over the course of a decade to make this happen. Yes, NINE! And that's not even counting the doctors, embryologists, or other amazing people along the way. I don't think I've ever thoroughly explained how these embryos came to be in great detail so I'll post about that today.

We adopted one batch from Libby and her husband, and they are the genetic parents of their embryo batch. They have four beautiful children, three of whom are 100% genetic siblings to any children we may have resulting from that batch. 

We also adopted a batch from Vicky and her husband. They are not the genetic parents of that batch because they received them anonymously as donor embryos themselves from an unknown couple who used a Romanian egg donor to create them. The original unknown intended parents had two sons who are genetically related to Vicky's batch. They donated the remaining embryos to Vicky and her husband. Vicky and her husband went on to have two sons, one of which resulted from these embryos and is 100% genetically related to any child we have from their batch. We have open relationships with both Vicky and Libby. Genetically related or not, we love both of their families like our own and we couldn't ask for more amazing people in our lives. We are so lucky to know them.

Clearly it's a complicated story. Usually when I explain it to people, I feel compelled to draw a picture to try to help it make sense, but never got around to it. Now that we are facing this type of a unique pregnancy, I finally went ahead and made a chart. 

Here's a quick and dirty version of how these embryos came to us and all of their genetic relationships along the way. It's not your typical situation, so feel free to ask any questions you might have. It's very exciting and unique!

Transfer complete! Meet the twiblings.

I am thrilled to announce that the final embryo from Vicky's batch DID survive thaw and grew perfectly alongside Libby's! And at exactly 8:22:38am CST I met both of them for the very first time as they were transferred to my uterus.

The transfer went perfectly and I'm typing this post with two very special twiblings on board! What is a twibling, you ask? Here's the Webster's definition.

twibling

noun\ˈtwi·bling\

one of two babies who are not genetically related to each other or to the mother they grow inside of

Okay, I totally made that up. But get used to that word, because I'm going to be using that term to refer to these very special snowflakes - hopefully for another nine months (and beyond!)

And with no further ado, I introduce to you our beloved twiblings:

Vicky's is left and Libby's is right. Each came from a different coast of the USA to meet in the middle here in Texas!

I was not feeling very good this morning both emotionally and physically. I think the doxycycline has been making me very nauseated in the mornings and I had a very high level of anxiety not knowing what the results of thaw would be. But the moment the embryologist came in our room and said the words "they both survived thaw and are doing perfect" I felt tears of joy well up in my eyes. I haven't felt this happy in a very long time. What a relief that they both made it! I am excited that this is the way this part of the story is written.

After transfer, the embryologist offered me some souvenirs: the straw Libby's embryo was shipped/stored in, the vial Vicky's was shipped/stored in, and the petri dish where they met and grew together today. How cool are these? I'm so lucky to have such special souvenirs!

Snuggle in, my beloved snowflake twiblings. We would love nothing more than to hold you in our arms in August.

Thank you for your prayers!