The pain got better then got worse

Thursday, the day of my D&C was physically painful, but then Friday I felt really good again. There was hardly any bleeding or cramping and I felt very similar to how I did after my hysteroscopy last July, so I thought I'd have a quick recovery once again. However, yesterday the bleeding picked up a lot out of nowhere, as did the cramping. The cramping was so bad I actually called the after-hours number for my OB and asked for advice. The on-call nurse said to go to the ER if I had excessive bleeding or cramping that was unbearable.

Last night after dinner I was in even more pain and had to lay down and take it easy. And there was a LOT more bleeding too seemingly out of nowhere. But while it was painful, I still considered it tolerable and I wasn't bleeding to the level the nurse mentioned was ER worthy. So I went to bed but was up every few hours because of the pain and checking on bleeding. This morning seems to be somewhat better but I'm still hurting way more than that day following the procedure.

Emotionally I feel some healing happening too. Although Friday night Kevin and I both just cried hysterically together for a while talking about our little Maggie and how much we loved her. The feeling that night was so empty and lost. I hate that this happened, but I know we will be able to heal. We have one another and we are so blessed for that.

As far as the physical pain goes, my question to you all is: has anyone else who has been through a D&C experienced a seemingly quick recovery physically only to have delayed cramping and bleeding later on? I'm really hoping this calms down by tomorrow because I told my work I'd be back and if I'm feeling like I did last night, that doesn't appear likely.

I had planned to make a delicious Easter meal for Kevin chock full of honey roasted ham, potatoes, and pecan pie and I but I'm worried about overexerting myself, since that seems to be exasperating the situation. I think I'll be supervising from the couch and Kevin will make it this year. I think I can deal with that. :)

Update: After I wrote this post, I ended up having even more pain to the point where I told Kevin I needed to go to the ER at around 11am. But before we did, I opted to take three IB profen and try to wait it out until at least noon. My bleeding started to increase and I ended up passing some really large clots. After those clots passed, I felt a million times better and the bleeding appears to have slowed down. I took it easy the rest of the day and felt pretty good for the most part.When I talked to the nurse and described what happened, she said it's not uncommon for blood clots to pass post D&C. Your body goes into contractions and will expel them on your own. Wow, it hurt BAD but I'm so glad it's over!

More bad news

The RE called me to answer some questions that I had about next steps. She felt like everything looked good to cycle again in a few months and felt that the reason for this miscarriage was due to chromosomal issues with the embryo. We just drew the unlucky card. 

I asked about our final remaining embryo, and she told me the embryologist would give me a call to discuss that aspect.

A few hours later, sure enough I got a call from the embryologist. She told us that while she does not know the grading of the final embryo, she is not optimistic about it surviving thaw due to the way it was frozen and refrozen using "slow-freeze" technique. We thought this might be the case, but to hear an expert in the field tell us this about our final remaining embryo was like ripping another piece of our heart out. 

 

The D and C

Yesterday I had my D and C at 9w1d. It went a lot better emotionally than I had expected. When I first sensed trouble with this pregnancy, I kept thinking about how a D and C would go and I pictured myself crying on the way to the surgery center, at the surgery center, in recovery, etc. But it didn't happen like that. I teared up a couple of times though. Once when one of the nurses came over and kindly told me she had experienced a miscarriage too and how sorry she was for our loss. This meant a lot because the previous nurse was so flippant about our situation I could tell she totally didn't get it - even when I tried to explain the road we had traveled.  I also cried when one of my brothers texted me telling me how sorry he was. I didn't tell him the news, but I asked that my Dad do it. My brothers and I are not very close, I'll have to write a post about that story one of these days but to hear from one of them meant the world. Maybe I'll still hear from the other, but I'm not holding my breath.

I think the reason I didn't cry is because I didn't feel like yesterday was the "goodbye." Baby Maggie had stopped growing sometime the week prior. And all that was left was her body, not her spirit. I know her spirit had already left and was in God's loving arms. Kevin made a point that this was just a process for the body and that's exactly how I felt.

The procedure itself went very well. The OB talked to Kevin while I was in recovery and said everything was very easy and he was thorough. The baby and the gestational sac had already detached themselves from the uterine wall and clots were forming around it. This was a sign that a miscarriage was imminent - likely in the next day or two. It reaffirmed that the choice to do a D and C was the right one which brought so much comfort as we had struggled with this decision for at least two weeks. There was no amount of waiting that would have helped Maggie grow. And while her body is not longer with me, her spirit will always be. The D and C will never change that.

I had a lot of pain after the procedure and slept most of the afternoon and evening. Kevin  was suffering quite a bit emotionally yesterday and felt the finality to our loss. I love him so much and I hate seeing him suffer like this, but I know it's a necessary part of this process. He is the most incredible man and was the best Dad anyone could have asked for in the past 9 weeks that Maggie was with us.

Planting her Magnolia tree was so therapeutic for me and I know meant a lot to Kevin too. I didn't actually do the work to plant it, I can thank my incredible husband for that. Watching him dig a hole in the earth felt like a funeral of sorts. Placing the sleeping baby statue made both of us tear up. Kevin went inside to get something and one of our neighbors kids went outside and started saying "Mommy! Mommy!" right at that moment. That definitely tore a piece of my heart out. Someday I pray some little voice will be calling that word out emphatically to me.

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my previous posts. I normally go back and respond to each and every one but there are just too many for me to do that. I want you to know how grateful I am and I have read every single one. I have cried at the outpouring of support and it's meant the world.

Our Magnolia memorial

Kevin planted our memorial tree in memory of our snowflake baby this afternoon. We didn't quite know what to get, but when we came across a beautiful Little Gem Magnolia Tree tree at the nursery, we just knew it was the right one. It blooms beautiful flowers from May through October. I always felt like this baby was a little girl, and she deserved a name. So I named her Magnolia. Mommy and Daddy will always love you and will miss you, Baby Maggie.

While at the nursery, we found the perfect statue to go next to the tree:. A sleeping angel baby. I will always be able to look out of my window and see my precious Magnolia growing strong. She may not have ever been in my arms, but she will be forever in my heart. I know I will meet her someday in heaven and grandma is with her watching over her until I join them.

We are so blessed to have such an outpouring of love and sympathy today. I thank God for our friends and family, my incredible and caring doctors, and you as my blog readers. You have helped me feel that I'm not alone during this excruciatingly painful time. Thank you so much for the support.

Born straight to heaven

I write this through tears.

Our baby didn't make it. No heartbeat today. The fetal pole had shrunk which the OB said is a sign of reabsorption. The fact that it shrunk was enough for the OB to assure us that this baby didn't make it on it's own and we have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow at noon CST. I will be 9w1d. I feel comfortable knowing this is the right thing to do now. I prayed for guidance on this decision and this is the right one without question.

Thank you so much for the prayers for healing. We know our baby was born straight to heaven and is in God's loving arms now.

I think I want to go plant a tree in our yard near my mom's memorial tree in our baby's memory. I already miss this baby so much.

Anxious for tomorrow

There's really not any big update but I figured I'd type something up this morning.

We are anxious awaiting tomorrow morning's ultrasound appointment. The OB said last Wednesday that he'd be able to call this pregnancy viable or not at tomorrow's appointment. I'm terrified and somewhat relieved all at the same time. However, one thing I've really come to realize is I need proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not viable for me to really believe it and take action. I'm beyond terrified of miscarrying naturally especially this late in the game at 9 weeks. I've read way too many accounts of how that process physically and emotionally goes and I don't think I can do it for a whole array of reasons. For one, I am terrified of seeing the baby come out. I couldn't even see my mom's body after she died because I wanted to remember her in her living state and I have no regrets about that. This feels similar to me. But on the flip side, I know I can't do a D&C without 110% knowing that it was already over either. It's such a delicate path to walk and either choice will have implications for the rest of my life.

Every minor cramp or twinge I have makes me immediately wonder if this is the beginning of the end. I have no idea what my hcg levels are doing since we aren't going to take anymore (according to the RE) so for all I know they are dropping. It's crazy where your mind goes to when you're going through this. But in reality, I've only had really minor cramping and no spotting whatsoever.

I don't want to sound completely doom and gloom and I am still hanging onto a glimmer of hope for a miracle heartbeat tomorrow. It does happen in miracle cases. I mean, the truth is that the OB DID see a fetal pole last week so the next step should be a heartbeat. But we are braced for either outcome. And we are even braced for having to wait some more if that's what it takes. But every day brings us closer to knowing where this will ultimately take this.

For certain I can say Kevin and I both love this baby more than anything and whether or not our snowflake baby is born here on earth or born straight to heaven, this will never change. I've been thinking a lot about the song the young mother would sing to her child in  "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. This was a cherished book my mom used to read to me when I was small and brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it, as you can imagine:

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.

Too many tears and an OB update

First of all, thank you so much for the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement from yesterday's gloomy faith-questioning post. I was at a very low place yesterday. I couldn't stop crying for the majority of the day. I cried while in the shower, getting ready for work, driving to work. I was so upset I think I even forgot to brush my teeth. I had a one-on-one meeting with my boss and he asked me how I was doing with everything because he knows the basics of what is going on. And guess what? I cried in there too. At least it wasn't sobbing ugly-crying. Just more of the eyes-tear-up-and-you-need-to-catch-your-breath-before-speaking kind of cry. He is very understanding and said if I need time away from work, I can have it. I'm sure I will, but right now I'm trying to tough it out because I will need it if the end finally comes. One of my coworkers came over to me later in the day and asked me if I was okay. I think he could probably sense my moping and lack of talking to others. I explained things weren't going well on the pregnancy front, and of course choked back tears explaining it. Hopefully the crying trigger will be a little less sensitive today.

The OB's nurse called yesterday and left a voicemail. She said they received the beta results. If you'll remember, the OB said at Wednesday's appointment that if the beta was below 10,000 he would call this over now. Well, apparently he saw the results were 8661 and is now saying that we should still "press forward" so I would consider that a change of mind from his earlier statement. I'm slightly uplifted by this, except I still believe this is not headed in a good direction. But at least I know his recommendation is not to end this now. Because I couldn't even if he wanted me to.

My next ultrasound is next Wednesday, March 27th at 8:30am CST.

Why do I pray?

What is the purpose of prayer? It is a genuine question that I have done a lot of thinking about and I'm not quite sure I understand why I do it anymore.

If God has a plan for me, then why would He alter it just because I asked Him to through prayer? If His plan is for our baby to die, what difference will my begging and pleading make? What is the point?

In hindsight, His plan was to take my mom to heaven. We prayed for her heath, for her not to suffer. Yet she suffered greatly then died despite our pleas. That was apparently His plan.

I have prayed for peace through our infertility, yet it has been the hardest thing we've ever endured. We have suffered so greatly and in a way that even our most caring loved ones can't even begin to understand.

I prayed that the doctors were wrong about my DOR diagnosis. They weren't.

I prayed that IVF would work for us in 2012. It didn't.

I prayed all of our embryos would survive after thaw so we'd have options in case our transfer failed. Two died and only one remains. It could very well die at thaw too after spending thousands of dollars, many injections, and months to prepare my body to receive it.

I have prayed for both Kevin and I to have peace and comfort during this excruciating time as we likely lose this precious baby who we went to enormous lengths to have. Yet we have not received peace or comfort. We are  broken beyond words.  I have prayed for reassuring betas, ultrasounds, appointments. They don't happen. We get a glimmer of hope only to have it yanked away. It just feels like one blow after another.

I'm praying I don't start bleeding at work, or at the grocery store, or sitting in traffic. But is this the next step in His plan for me? Am I supposed to learn something from enduring even more trauma?

If it is His will for this baby to die and for us to suffer, what is the point of my prayers?

Beta #7 results are in

Beta is 8661. Doubling time is now 217 hours. The OB said if it was under 10,000 it was over for us. So I guess by that train of thought, it's over.

I cannot in a good conscience schedule a D&C based off of this beta not being at the 10,000 mark. While I may say that emotionally I've given up hope, I won't physically give up right now. I just don't have it in me to do that to this child of mine. I don't care how much emotional turmoil I have going on, I'm the mother for now and I'm putting this baby first ahead of my need for closure, even if I know it's going to end in tragedy.

I shared the results from today with the RE and she said she doesn't want to run any more betas because she doesn't think they will be useful anymore. I must say that I'm relieved about that. I'm not sure if the OB will agree, but we will see. We will rely on ultrasounds to determine where this pregnancy is going. I know I keep saying this, but by next week we should have answers. I'm beginning to feel like a broken record. Broken.