The end and the beginning

This post might be a little graphic. You've been warned.

Yesterday officially marked the end of my pregnancy. This baby made it all the way to 5w1d before he/she was born straight to heaven and is now in the loving arms of God, her grandma, and her sister. We will meet someday, little one!

Up until yesterday, I was in a limbo period where I knew it was going to end soon, yet I was technically still pregnant. Each day that passed helped me come to an emotional peace that it was over, but I still longed for the closure which I knew could only come with blood. Every day I wondered "will today be the day?" Yesterday, the answer was yes.

We went about our normal Sunday business and headed home. By the time we got home I was in a lot of pain and had to lay down. I couldn't believe how much blood was involved. I knew it would be heavy and painful, but this was far more than expected. And what also surprised me was the sadness that both Kevin and I felt. I thought I had worked through the feelings and the day it finally happened would emotionally feel just like another period, but both Kevin and I were very sad at the finality of it. We spent quite a bit of time talking and expressing our sadness and anger at the outcome. While there are times on this rollercoaster ride where we are excited for the future, there are also difficult times like yesterday where we are angry about the past and the present. It's hard to see the future when you're in such a fog. That's just how this process works sometimes.

The cramps got so bad yesterday that I considered taking a Vicodin, but instead decided to take four Advil which thankfully took the edge off enough for me to go to sleep. I awoke refreshed today knowing that pregnancy is now behind me and I'm facing the future. I'm not in even a fraction of the amount of pain I was yesterday - emotionally or physically.

From a logistical standpoint, I have a final beta draw today. If the level is below 5, my RE will start me on birth control pills and I can consider myself at the beginning of my final FET cycle this year. I am also waiting for the preauthorization approval from my insurance company and am praying like crazy we don't have any delays due to anything insurance related. I am so emotionally and physically drained that I just want to fast forward to the end of this year to know if this worked or not, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I will experience every up and down until we get to that finish line.

Yesterday is written, but today marks a new day, a new cycle, and a new chance at parenthood.

The wonderment of the unknown

As we embark onto this final FET cycle of 2013, I'm pondering all of possibilities ahead of us. Here are some of the things that have been bouncing around this brain of mine.

We have three embryos left. We plan to transfer two. At this point in time, it's unknown which two embryos will be transferred. We won't know which will be transferred until the transfer day itself due to the potential for embryos to arrest at thaw. Just to recap our embryo situation, we have the following remaining embryos -  each frozen as singles to straws: 

• One day-six blast from Vicky's batch (Romanian, olive skinned, dark haired.) But sadly, based on the way it was thawed, grown, and refrozen using slow freeze techniques, it's not expected to survive thaw.
• One day-six blast from Libby's batch (Blue eyed, fair skinned, blonde haired)
• One day-five blast from Libby's batch (also blue eyed, fair skinned, and blonde haired)

We have decided on the thawing order for the next transfer. The plan will be to start by thawing the day-six blast from the first batch (Vicky's) and the day-six from the second batch (Libby's.) If Vicky's embryo does not survive thaw, we will thaw the final day-five blast from Libby's batch. Follow me so far? You may have to read through that a few times since I know it is complicated! Sheesh. :)

Once all of that makes sense, let's consider the incredible possibilities if the one from Vicky's batch DOES survive thaw and we transfer it along with one from Libby's and I find that I am pregnant. Here are the two unusual scenarios that come to mind.

Scenario one:

Both embryos transferred implant and I end up with twins. Think about this one - I would be pregnant with twin babies who are neither genetically related to me NOR each other. Pretty amazing! I am not aware of anyone else who has been in this situation and I would bet is incredibly rare. I mentioned this on one of my online support groups and someone coined the term "twi-blings"! Cute!

Or....

Scenario two: 

Only one embryo implants leaving us with a singleton pregnancy. However, we'd have no idea which one implanted until after birth. We'd go the entire pregnancy not knowing if our baby grew from Libby's embryo or Vicky's. Of course after birth we would do a DNA test through a cheek swab so all parties involved would know which family he/she was genetically related to. And while many of you might be thinking this is just too crazy for words, I personally think it's a beautiful surprise to be faced with seeing how so many others have been robbed from us.

But of course, if the embryo from Vicky's batch doesn't survive thaw as we expect, we will be transferring the final two of Libby's and would know all along the genetic background in any outcome. But the possibilities and unknowns sure are interesting to think about as we embark on this final transfer! The wonders of modern science are amazing. 

And as mentioned before, if Vicky's embryo survives thaw, and we have that final 5AA rockstar embryo remaining from Libby's batch, we will save it for an attempt for a sibling down the road.

If the next FET fails or I miscarry again, we plan to pursue traditional domestic infant adoption at the start of 2014. This leaves us with a whole new set of unknown possibilities. Since we are open to the adoption of a child from any racial background, it's impossible to truly envision the child that we will someday call our own. When I lay our baby down in his/her crib, what color eyes will be staring back at me? What color skin will be pressed up against my chest as I read a bedtime story? Will I be braiding my little girl's long blonde locks of hair? Or will I be braiding the beautiful brown hair of an African-american child?  It's all the same in the end, and my heart bursts with joy as I think of any potential scenario.

I'm in awe at the wonderment of the possibilities. God knows the outcome and I can't wait to see what He has in store for us.

Photo courtesy of Newsone

Seven whole days

It's been seven whole days since I had the sad realization that this pregnancy was over. But it feels like it's been months. It's amazing how much grieving and acceptance can happen in a mere week. But as much as I feel like I'm coping well, I'm surprising myself with these insane moments of denial. For example, I have another beta draw scheduled for today. Yesterday morning, a part of me was telling myself "The beta might go up! You might be one of those miracle cases!" I know intellectually that won't happen, but the side of me who wants to be a mother so badly can't seem to let go. To put those feelings to rest, I went ahead and took a cheap urine test to bring myself back to reality, and of course the line was much lighter. I needed to see that. I need to let go of hope and move forward. Right now I'm stuck in limbo just waiting for the bleeding to start and until it does I think my mind is going to continue to play tricks on me. I hate this time of being in limbo.

To help pass time, I've been daydreaming about traditional adoption. Kevin and I looked at success stories online and talked a lot about how it would feel for us to be one of those stories. I even called a few places yesterday morning to get information to help us figure out what the right steps to take for us . After loads of research, I think we feel most comfortable using an adoption consultant, applying to multiple agencies through that consultant, and pursuing trans-racial adoption. I am so excited about the hopes for our future family. Of course, I have hope for the next FET too, but it's hard to feel excited about it after the devastating blows we've endured. I did the math, and barring any unexpected delays, I expect to have the next FET around Thanksgiving time. This means we should be learning of the outcome in early-December. If it succeeds, it will be a wonderful Christmas present. But if it fails, we will be ready to jump on the domestic infant adoption path right at the beginning of the new year.

However God leads us to our family, we will follow. Our babies are waiting to come, and I have no idea what skin color, eye color, or hair color they will have, but God has a plan in store for us. Love is what makes  a family.

We can't wait to meet them someday and love them with every piece of who we are. We are so grateful we have options available to us. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Update: My beta came back at 6.

Lighting dinner on fire

Kevin was feeling pretty down in the dumps yesterday as he came to terms with our second loss in less than a year. And as you all know, on top of that, it was his birthday. I'd be extra down in the dumps too. However, fortunately for me I did most of my grieving and processing on Friday and over the weekend so I was in a little better place emotionally. With infertility and loss, related tragedies tend to take both spouses to their knees at the exact same time so it's hard to find the strength to be there for the other person when you're hurting so badly yourself. However, I've learned through this long journey that when you do have those moments of strength when your spouse is hurting more than you are, take those opportunities to lift your spouse up. Kevin has done the same for me on multiple occasions. I knew I had the strength to be there for him and I knew I had to at least try.

Kevin thought he was going to make tacos for dinner, but that just wouldn't do on the birthday night of the man I love. So I decided I was going to surprise him by making his favorite dish for dinner: Steak au Poivre. And for my own gratification, I have to admit that lighting a pan on fire is pretty fun!

I also found a little gourmet Yin Yang cake that I bought for him as his own personal birthday cake. I told him that he is the Yin to my Yang! Corny, I know.

How I'm coping with my newest loss

I'm doing okay.

I'm really trying to look toward the future. I got the insurance pre-authorization ball rolling right away for the next cycle because I'm prepared for another ugly fight with my insurance company like last time. Hopefully not as bad because I really don't know how much strength I have in me to go through that again.

I'm also planning to indulge in all kinds of pregnancy no-no things this week. I am going to ready my "Adoption for Dummies" book while taking a bubble bath this morning. I'm going to sip on a full-caffiene cup of coffee. I'm going to have sushi for lunch. I'm going to go in the hot tub this weekend. And Kevin and I just might go to the shooting range and shoot holes in paper zombie targets. There's no bright side to losing a baby, but I'm trying to look on whatever bright side I can find.

I've been immersing myself in learning about traditional adoption. I've started reading my book, researching agencies, and I've also been thinking about blogging about our new journey if and when the time comes. I think I'll be starting a new blog to document the new journey into traditional adoption since this blog is clearly dedicated to embryo adoption (snowflake=frozen embryos.) Any ideas on names? I was tossing around blog name ideas while laying on the acupuncture table yesterday morning. Here are a few that popped into my head:

• Rainbow After the Storm
• A Lovely New Normal
• In the Eye of the Storm
• When I Look to the Sky
• Life After the Snowfall (I originally had After the Snowfall but it looks like that domain is unavailable)

What do you guys think? Any of these jump out at you? Any other creative ideas? Brainstorming on this kind of thing keeps me hopeful so throw your ideas at me.

I am starting to formulate and jot down all kinds of questions about traditional adoption. There is so much I just don't know. But the most discouraging one that jumps to mind first and foremost is HOW IN THE WORLD DO PEOPLE AFFORD THIS!? I expected it to be between $15,000-$25,000 for domestic newborn adoption, everything included. But so far, the two online information packets I've received state that just the agency fees alone are around $35,000! This puts a pit in my stomach. We will have find a way to pay one way or another, but I have a feeling it's going to involve fundraising and pinching pennies. Financially, we have been bled dry from all of the infertility treatments over the past three years, but I know once we get the funds together traditional adoption is a very promising route. God will find a way to provide.

I've also researched working with an adoption consultant. This is a person who independently holds your hand throughout the whole adoption process. They work with multiple agencies which can help you get matched quicker. They can help you avoid pitfalls or scams because they've been around the block quite a few times themselves. They cost extra money - anywhere between $1500-$4000 extra, but so far everything I've read from other adoptive parents indicates they are worth the extra cost. Most agencies waive the typical $300ish application fee if you are working with a consultant so some of the cost is negated there since you apply to multiple agencies.

So there are my thoughts for the day. I'm trying to move forward mentally. Thanks for reading and for your support.

Beta #2 - It's over.

My RE called me herself to let me know of my beta results. I could tell in the somber tone of her voice my results weren't good.

14.

It's over.

I prayed for a concrete answer, and I got it. While I am very sad, I did a lot of processing over the weekend (especially Friday) and I actually have found that there is a relief in knowing this miscarriage will not be dragged out like my last one was. Comparing the two, this is hands-down so much easier than last time. This doesn't mean I love either baby more or less than the other, but if it's in God's plan that I won't know this baby on earth, this way is so much easier for me to handle. It is unfortunate that tomorrow is Kevin's birthday and we got news like this, but as with all of the other tragedies we've endured, it is what it is. We will get through it.

Logistically speaking, my RE said to stop my meds and I should get my period in a few days. Once I start, I can get on birth control pills again and cycle right away. Speaking of cycles, that brings me to talk about next steps.

We have a plan for next steps that I feel good about. As mentioned in my last post, I had a great talk with Libby on Friday. She posed the question to me "What are your plans if none of these embryos bring you your family?"  and I'm really glad she asked so I could get it out in the open. Kevin and I have always figured our next step would be to pursue domestic infant adoption. Libby was very supportive, knowledgeable, and confident that this was a great path for us. She even pointed out that at the beginning of the call I sounded sad and depressed (because I was) and when we switched to the topic of domestic infant adoption, I sounded enthusiastic and excited again. She was right. I feel hope when I think about this new path. Libby's first child is the result of domestic infant adoption. She knows all about it and I know there's more than one reason God led us to her!

So the question is: When is the right time exactly?

We've put a lot of thought into the answer. Here are the basic facts about our current situation. We currently have three frozen embryos remaining and we've always planned to transfer two per transfer. We also know that one of the three is not expected to survive thaw, likely leaving us with only two to transfer anyway. So if we're being realistic, this leaves us with only one chance left and there will be no embryos remaining.

Sure, the one that isn't expected to survive just might. And if it does, we would still have one embryo on ice. That's great. But seeing how we only have time for one last cycle this year and we have already met our 2013 deductible, it would make sense to save that remaining embryo (if it survives) and start directing our funds in 2014 toward traditional adoption - which is not cheap whatsoever. We could try for a sibling with it down the road. But unfortunately we have time for only one more cycle attempt in 2013.

And on a side note, I also understand we may be more appealing to potential birth-parents if we don't have children yet, so perhaps it's all meant to work out this way. There's no question our family will be built of traditional adoption one way or another, and hopefully embryo adoption too - either now or in the future. The order in which it happens is in God's hands.

I'm still hanging onto hope that our upcoming FET will be a success. But for my own sanity, I have to be prepared for next steps in case it's not. Many people cope by taking time off and relaxing, but I need to be ready to open that next door the minute one closes or I'll go crazy. That's how I cope and that's who I am. When I am doing nothing is when I am the most depressed. And I'm so glad that we have a new, exciting (and somewhat terrifying) path to pursue. I am lucky to know Libby who has been an amazing cheerleader and knowledgeable friend throughout this struggle. I honestly don't even know where to start, but I'm already dipping my toes in the adoption waters. I've been reading books and researching agencies which is a big task in itself. Hopefully we will find an agency we feel good about and get the ball rolling in 2014 if the next cycle doesn't work for us.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Beta #1 results

My beta came back at 12 at 8dp6dt.

This is right about where I thought it would be because I had guessed it to be around 10. Monday's beta results should be more telling since we will see what the rise (or lack of rise) actually is. I really hope it's definitive either way. That's my biggest wish - either massively rise or drop because the dragging out of the last miscarriage is what killed us. But honestly, I'm finding myself at peace with this pregnancy not working out. As hard as it is to lose another baby, and as sad as I'll be that this baby wasn't meant to be a baby to hold on earth, I'm ready to look to the future.

Libby called yesterday and we had an amazing conversation. The first part was me sobbing, but the second part was us talking about next steps if these embryos don't result in a family for us. I'm not quite ready to say what our plan is yet, at least not until we know more about the outcome of this pregnancy, but I feel like we certainly have a good plan in place. And it was really helpful for Libby to draw it out of me. Not only did Libby show her overwhelming support for next steps, but kept reassuring me what a promising outlook it had for us. It's helped me to stay optimistic even if this cycle, or any future cycles with these embryos don't result in a baby. I will never give up. Ever. This will not be where our journey ends.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. They have brought us a feeling of peace, hope, and comfort during such a difficult time.

I'm not doing so well

I don't think this pregnancy is headed in a good direction. I've been testing every morning on a variety of tests and the tests are not getting darker. Even the FRERs are barely showing a line morning after morning. I can't get a digital FRER to turn positive, and those register at 25miu. For someone who received the faintest of faint positive at 4dp6dt, a healthy pregnancy should have doubled to something darker by now.

So it's starting to sink in, I'm probably going to lose another baby. Babies.

I emailed my nurse and RE to see if they might move my beta to today at 8dp6dt, which is when many REs will do it as a standard anyway. Last pregnancy, I asked for an early beta, the nurse quickly said no, so I'm guessing I will hear the same today. But I CCed the RE herself this time and said I was in some serious emotional turmoil over this and would rather know sooner than later if things aren't going to work out.

I pray she will show me some mercy and allow it.

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. Kevin's birthday is Tuesday and we had planned to spend the whole weekend celebrating. Neither of us are in a good space or in a mood to celebrate, and I've been crying hysterically for the past few hours. My sweet dog is following me around like a shadow, I can tell he is trying to comfort me. I've been on my knees all morning just asking God why this keeps happening to us. Why? I am just sick and numb at this point.

I hope we get a miracle, but it seems like miracles happen to everyone else. Not us.

Well, I've got to go get ready to go to work. That means putting on the smiling mask of a woman who isn't having her world destroyed. I've worn it many times before, and I'll wear it yet again.

Update:
My RE agreed to letting me get my first beta done today. I just got back from the blood draw, but we expect the clinic to get the results after they close today. They are open tomorrow, so I should get the results then. Monday's results will be the most telling relative to today's. I'm so glad I was able to get in. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Are you wondering if I tested? I did.

I tested yesterday (5dp6dt) with a few wondfo tests which are very very sensitive. At first glance, they were all a for-sure negative. White as white could be. But after staring indirectly at it, then angling it, shining a light on it and pretty much everything just short of sending it to a CSI crime lab, I determined that there might just be a second line there. Yeah. There was. I can't believe it. I still can't.

I was (and still am) somewhat hesitant to believe it since it was so incredibly faint. But it was there. And I've taken a few more this morning, including a FRER, and they appear to be even more noticeable, albeit very, very faint also.

So Liz. Say after me:

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant!

I'm PREGNANT!!!

You have to look very carefully, and maybe even squint a little, but you can see the second lines!

My beta is scheduled for Monday, September 23. The day before Kevin's birthday!