Surviving

We're still here, surviving the past couple of days.

Despite my optimistic post a few days ago, I'm still incredibly anxious about this possibility of VLCAD. Who am I kidding? There's no question I was already suffering from a low level of postpartum anxiety, but having the possibility of this life-threatening and rare disease looming overhead has taken me to a nearly unbearable level of worry. I'm always watching Sammy for signs of metabolic distress. Was that jerky movement a seizure? Is she sleeping too much? Is that the lethargy I'm supposed to watch for? Has she eaten enough? If not, is there a phone nearby to call 911?

I mean, it's just maddening, really.

I realized after a good cry the other morning while holding her and pleading with God to please let her be healthy that it was time for me to take a Zoloft that my OB prescribed in the hopes to take the edge off of the anxiety. I know it can take a few days, but the first day it did seem to help a decent amount. Placebo effect? Maybe, but I'll take it. But now I"m noticing a few side effects. I'm having a harder time sleeping, muscle twitches, and yesterday morning I blacked out for a brief moment while laying in bed. I think the blackout was a combination of sleep deprivation, not eating well myself (it's been so hard to figure out when to eat a midst everything and trying to catch up on sleep) and my blood pressure meds. Apparently Zoloft taken with my type of BP med can increase the impact on my BP. After the mini blackout, I took my BP and it was indeed low. Kevin kept an eye on me and I'm hoping today is a better day!

But anyway, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm suffering from postpartum anxiety that has been immensely fueled by this newborn screening result. And I'm not afraid to say I need some help for it. I'm just hoping this help will help soon, and these side effects decrease ASAP. I just want life to normalize - to whatever degree it will be. I just want the dust to settle already.

We've done the DNA test to find out which embryo batch Sammy came from and are awaiting the results. I have no idea which day those will come back but once the genetic families know the results, I'll post them here too.

Sammy is just a joy beyond comprehension. I love holding her, watching her make her little faces, seeing her smile in her sleep. She even laughs in her sleep, and I know I'm not imagining things because it's happened multiple times and in front of others too. Just a joy and I love her more than anything! Kevin has been calling her chubby-cheeks-cheddar-burger which cracks me up. But it's fitting. :)

I just wish I could enjoy being a new mom to it's fullest without the cloud of uncertainty that is looming with these tests. I appreciate the continued prayers for peace, and for all of these tests to come back as a-ok and we can put all of this behind us.