These silly sticks

I don't (and shouldn't) put a lot of stock in these stupid sticks, but I had one left from my 3-pack and figured I'd just give it a go this afternoon. It finally says 2-3 weeks instead of 1-2 weeks. What does that mean for my beta? Who knows? But I think it's safe to assume my hcg is rising and since these sticks measure time from conception, my pregnancy is right on track since I'm 4w3d today. And while I know it's silly to care what a silly stick says, it does make me feel a little better to see 2-3 in that window. I'm glad these CBEs are all gone. I only have one FRER left and a handful of wondfos. The allure of POAS is starting to wear off for me anyway, which is a good thing!

Monday's beta seriously can't get here soon enough! If it wasn't for the weekend, it would have been scheduled for today. I never thought I'd want to wish a weekend away! Thanks for all of the comforting words during my serious case of the crazies!

And the fear sets in

I was living blissfully on cloud nine for a few days, but just as I knew it inevitably would, the fear of infertility brain and pregnancy-after-two-losses brain has totally set in. Now I'm finding myself terrified just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I could just be blissful again. Just an example of another way that infertility and loss robs us.

As for testing, I have so many home pregnancy tests that I can't help but POAS each morning and I'm getting a mixed bag of results. The FRER isn't show as dramatic of progression morning after morning, but the wondfo got super dark today compared to yesterday. Like WAY dark. Check that puppy out!

I am still showing 1-2 weeks on a CBE digital weeks estimator. I wish it showed 2-3 weeks for extra reassurance, but then again I'm only 4w2d along so it's in line with that. I guess I would just feel better if it did.

Has anyone else used the CBE weeks estimators? I haven't decided if they are helping me, or messing with my head. I've read 1-2 weeks on these means hcg is under 156. On other sites I've read its below 200. But overall, it seems these CBE digital weeks estimators seem to be flukey on the weeks estimation. The more I read about them, it seems that not only is there a wide range of hcg values that will trigger a new category, but in many cases it's completely inaccurate. I've read accounts of women who used them, had their blood drawn that same day, and their actual hcg is completely different from  what the CBE test showed. Still, my crazy IF brain would love for it to say 2-3 weeks!

Overall, I have no tangible reason to think this pregnancy might also not end well. I am just damaged from my past. I wish I could shake it and enjoy myself again. But no matter how much I try, I can't! I hope my beta brings reassuring news on Monday.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We had a nice day, and it was a good distraction from the worry.

Update: I had a hunch that the Wondfo was a little darker than it should be, so I tried one more a few hours later and sure enough it wasn't nearly as dark as the first. It was still just a smidgen darker than yesterday's, but clearly the wondfo in the picture above is a fluke. Must have extra dye or something!

First weekly milestone

Today marks my first weekly milestone. I'm 4w0d pregnant!

A few of you have asked me about symptoms so far so I figured I'd post about that today. I obviously can't be sure what is a pregnancy symptom vs PIO, but here's what's going on with me.

Gum Swelling: This started at about 3dpt. I could start to feel my gums swell around just around one tooth on the bottom left side of my mouth. I thought that was a little unusual and wondered if it might mean I was pregnant. Now I feel swelling above a tooth on the top left so the swelling is isolated and seems to move around my mouth.

Hot flashes: These aren't as intense as they were at 3dpt, but I'll just start sweating from head to toe out of the blue. I will feel like I need to step into a freezer for relief! I'll get mild ones here and there, but the intense ones for me seemed to happen mainly around implantation.

Cramps: I've had all kinds of feelings going on in there that seem to change day by day. Sensations have gone from a feeling of fullness (hard to describe), sharp cramping, dull cramping, twinges, pulling, tickling, stretching, and even a feeling like something was tugging on my bladder! This morning I have a much more dull and constant period-like cramping.

Tender Breasts: I had this symptom really strong from 3dpt to 5dpt and now it's lessened a bit. When I realized it was subsiding, it scared the life out of me, but I understand it's normal for symptoms to come and go. I had tender breasts with my first pregnancy, and somewhat with my second, but neither compared to the intensity I've had on this one.

Nausea: I've had two bouts of nausea over the past few days.

Constipation: This has been extremely prominent! PIO is notorious for causing this on it's own, and I'm on 2mL daily which is twice the amount most people take. Pregnancy can cause this as well, so put the two together and you're where I am at! I'm taking Colace and trying to get as much fiber as I can but I think this one is going to be an uphill battle.

Fatigue: I've found myself falling asleep almost the moment my head hits the pillow at night which is unusual. I end up getting a good night's sleep and end up waking up super early! Even with 8+ hours of sleep, my eyes burn while I'm at work and I feel like I need to close them and doze off. But of course I can't do that.

Heightened sense of smell: This one is borderline. I can't tell if it's in my head or not, but I'm feeling extra sensitive to at least perfumes. I've noticed myself thinking "Whoa, that lady's perfume is strong" on WAY more occasions this week than I usually do, which either means lots of ladies around me are wearing strong perfume lately (unlikely) or I'm noticing it more because my sense of smell is heightened.

Nasal congestion: My nose started being stuffy about 4dpt and hasn't let up. Breathe right strips are my best friend!

Headache: I have a mild, constant headache. I think it may be related to the fact I'm congested and can't use any nasal decongestant sprays. Or maybe it's a headache all on it's own. Who knows? But it's there.

Eye twitching: This is a weird one, but my eye has been twitching a LOT since the day before my BFP! This happened with my first pregnancy. It also started the day before that BFP and lasted until about a week after my D&C. I can't help but assume it's related even though it's bizarre.

By no means is any of this complaining. As I stand back and think about it, I find it fascinating and beautiful that something so tiny can make my body know it's presence. I'll take all of it and then some if it means I get to hold one or both of these babies in my arms someday!

Little Wonders

Yesterday morning, I showered and got ready for work. I hopped in the car and decided I'd turn on my "singable" playlist for the drive in. After all, I was in a singing kind of mood after seeing the beautiful word Yes+ appear on my pregnancy test! 

The 25 minute drive into work consisted of me belting out some Cher, Jason Derulo, and Less Than Jake. But just as I was just pulling up to my office, a song I had totally forgot about came on: Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

I love this song and I can't believe I had forgotten about it. But as it began to play, I found myself vividly remembering the lyrics. And as it played and I sang along in an increasingly wavering voice, I could start to feel happy tears streaming down my face.

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours

these little wonders,

these twists and turns of fate
time falls away, 
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

While I obviously can't be even close to sure that the hardest part is over, I let my guard down for those few moments and allowed myself to believe that it just might. I know one thing for sure. I'll never take a second of any of it for granted.

Have you ever been blindsided by a song during your struggle or after your success that brought you to tears? What song was it?

And last, I'll leave you with this morning's test progression.

I'm blown away by the darkening of my pregnancy tests. I've never seen this kind of noticeable difference day after day in the past. I can't help but be hopeful. I can't help but feel like this time is different.

Yes or No?

Yes is better.

Oh, how I longed to see this beautiful word pop up on this little screen last pregnancy, but it never did. It kept yelling at me morning after morning with the curse word of: No - That was the first sign that my pregnancy was headed downhill. I am so grateful today was an easy YES+.

And for those of you who like to see progression, here's yesterday's compared to today's. The second line started showing after only about a minute.

I'm still cautiously optimistic after enduring two miscarriages. I think I'll be pretty scared until I see a heartbeat, which is further than we've ever been before. Who am I kidding? I'll probably still be terrified after that. But today I am relishing in these early milestones that never occurred this early on in the past. I'm taking each day at a time, and so far each day has brought reassurance, hope, and joy.

This crazy lady tests at four days past transfer

Somehow in this wacky brain of mine, I rationalized that yesterday (morning even!) wasn't too early to test (4dp6dt) even though logically I knew it was positively insane and way too early.

So you can imagine my absolute shock when a second line appeared.

Oh. My. Gosh. OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH.

This morning a FRER showed positive within the three minute testing window, which never happened last time.

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea if both embryos implanted, or if one (and which one) but I am over the moon. I have renewed hope because of this pregnancy producing such an early positive. Could both twiblings actually be growing in there? Time will tell!

You know what else is crazy? Austin has snow in the forecast tonight which never happens. We get snow once every four years or so in January or February, but it's NEVER ever this early on in the year. I am taking it as a beautiful honor to my beautiful snowflakes!

Beta is scheduled for 12/2/13 which will be 13dp6dt.

Please, OH PLEASE let these babies stick around this time!

What's the deal with these hot flashes?

I'm 3dp6dt and I'm experiencing crazy hot flashes this morning. I feel like I could fry an egg on my forehead and am dripping in sweat! Could this be a good sign? A bad sign? No sign at all? It's playing tricks on me because I think back to last cycle where I had insane hot flashes the day before I learned of my BFP. Could this be my body's way of handling implantation? Or is it a coincidence? This morning I even decided to walk outside in my skimpy nightgown to let the 25mph icy winds blow on me just to find a little relief! Ahh, it felt so nice!

Anyone have hot flash stories that ultimately related to getting good news? No news? Bad news? Give it to me straight!

A flow chart of our snowflakes' history

Welcome, ICLW! In a  nutshell, I'm 2dp6dt waiting for the results of a very unique transfer! 

To catch you up, we've adopted embryos from two completely different embryo donors, and transferred one of each on November 19th. This means I could potentially be pregnant with twins who aren't related to me or one another, or a singleton who we won't know the genetic background of until birth. Or of course, I may not become pregnant at all or miscarry again which would royally suck but I'm braced for any outcome. My beta is scheduled on December 2nd, but I know I can't hold out that long. So stay tuned because I have a feeling the home testing will start in a few days. To learn more about what brought us to this situation, click on the Our Story tab.

At my transfer on Tuesday, Kevin pointed out that it took the love and actions of nine people over the course of a decade to make this happen. Yes, NINE! And that's not even counting the doctors, embryologists, or other amazing people along the way. I don't think I've ever thoroughly explained how these embryos came to be in great detail so I'll post about that today.

We adopted one batch from Libby and her husband, and they are the genetic parents of their embryo batch. They have four beautiful children, three of whom are 100% genetic siblings to any children we may have resulting from that batch. 

We also adopted a batch from Vicky and her husband. They are not the genetic parents of that batch because they received them anonymously as donor embryos themselves from an unknown couple who used a Romanian egg donor to create them. The original unknown intended parents had two sons who are genetically related to Vicky's batch. They donated the remaining embryos to Vicky and her husband. Vicky and her husband went on to have two sons, one of which resulted from these embryos and is 100% genetically related to any child we have from their batch. We have open relationships with both Vicky and Libby. Genetically related or not, we love both of their families like our own and we couldn't ask for more amazing people in our lives. We are so lucky to know them.

Clearly it's a complicated story. Usually when I explain it to people, I feel compelled to draw a picture to try to help it make sense, but never got around to it. Now that we are facing this type of a unique pregnancy, I finally went ahead and made a chart. 

Here's a quick and dirty version of how these embryos came to us and all of their genetic relationships along the way. It's not your typical situation, so feel free to ask any questions you might have. It's very exciting and unique!

Transfer complete! Meet the twiblings.

I am thrilled to announce that the final embryo from Vicky's batch DID survive thaw and grew perfectly alongside Libby's! And at exactly 8:22:38am CST I met both of them for the very first time as they were transferred to my uterus.

The transfer went perfectly and I'm typing this post with two very special twiblings on board! What is a twibling, you ask? Here's the Webster's definition.

twibling

noun\ˈtwi·bling\

one of two babies who are not genetically related to each other or to the mother they grow inside of

Okay, I totally made that up. But get used to that word, because I'm going to be using that term to refer to these very special snowflakes - hopefully for another nine months (and beyond!)

And with no further ado, I introduce to you our beloved twiblings:

Vicky's is left and Libby's is right. Each came from a different coast of the USA to meet in the middle here in Texas!

I was not feeling very good this morning both emotionally and physically. I think the doxycycline has been making me very nauseated in the mornings and I had a very high level of anxiety not knowing what the results of thaw would be. But the moment the embryologist came in our room and said the words "they both survived thaw and are doing perfect" I felt tears of joy well up in my eyes. I haven't felt this happy in a very long time. What a relief that they both made it! I am excited that this is the way this part of the story is written.

After transfer, the embryologist offered me some souvenirs: the straw Libby's embryo was shipped/stored in, the vial Vicky's was shipped/stored in, and the petri dish where they met and grew together today. How cool are these? I'm so lucky to have such special souvenirs!

Snuggle in, my beloved snowflake twiblings. We would love nothing more than to hold you in our arms in August.

Thank you for your prayers!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow could be it for us: It in a bad way or it in a good way. Tomorrow may begin the last chapter of our journey through embryo adoption. Tomorrow could even be the final page. Or wonderfully, it could be the beginning chapter of an incredible new story as we finally embark upon parenthood.

But no matter what happens, some very integral pieces of this story will indeed be written tomorrow. So much depends on the thaw.

To recap the plan, the embryologist plans to start by thawing two embryos: One embryo from Libby’s pair and the final embryo from Vicky’s batch. The survival of both of these embryos would mean we still have a final embryo of Libby’s remaining on ice. It would mean we still have one more chance. I will be overjoyed. I love them all and I don’t want any of them to die. But of course I would also love another chance.

Tomorrow we will know if we still have one more chance.

If both do survive, we will transfer them together - one of Vicky’s and one of Libby’s. This means I could potentially become pregnant with twins who are not genetically related to me or each other. Or I could become pregnant with a singleton baby and we wouldn't know it’s genetic background until birth.

Tomorrow we will know if one of each will be transferred.

We've wondered and worried since March about the embryo from Vicky’s batch surviving thaw.  The embryologist wasn't optimistic due to the way it was thawed and refrozen using slow freeze. If Vicky’s final embryo dies tomorrow, I will grieve the mere fact it’s gone. This is the last remaining snowflake of its kind. There will never be more. Ever.

Tomorrow we will know if Vicky's snowflakes are gone forever.

If Vicky’s embryo dies, we will transfer both of Libby’s final remaining embryos. I will be beyond anxious about the results of this transfer not only because I want to hold these babies in my arms, but also because I will have none remaining on ice. Everything and I mean everything will come down to this final transfer. If it doesn't work I will never have another chance to feel baby kicks, to know a life is growing inside of me. If it doesn't work, I will not only grieve the loss of Libby’s precious snowflakes, but also that I will never know what it’s like to be pregnant to term.

Or in a real terrible turn of events, they all might not survive thaw. There may be none to transfer. I will feel blindsided. This is unlikely, but possible. So the final page to this chapter could even be written tomorrow.

We will finally know how this part of the story will be written tomorrow.

I will arrive at the clinic at 7:30am for an 8am CST transfer.

I am eager, hopeful, and scared for what tomorrow brings.

2013 hanging on the tree

Every year since Kevin and I have been married, we've made a point to get a special ornament to put on our miniature "keepsake tree" in our family room. Each ornament on this special little tree represents something important that happened to us that particular year. At first, I jokingly said it should be a PIO syringe. Ha! But yesterday, I found two beautiful ornaments at Hobby Lobby that seemed very fitting for 2013.

The snowflake-strand ornament on the left represents the three frozen embryo transfers. And the ornament on the right is an angel inside of a snowflake globe which represents our beloved snowflake babies who were born straight to heaven.

I'll leave you with a Christmas serenade from our dog, Oscar.

Yeah, I know. I'm laying the Christmas stuff on thick right now. We are enjoying ourselves, so why not? :) If nothing else, it's keeping me distracted.

Our Friday night consisted of...

Last night we finished the Christmas tree! We're enjoying it while we can...which is hopefully all season long and our season isn't shortened by devastating news. Merry Christmas! Even if it's not even Thanksgiving yet. :)

The roller coaster ride

With each passing day, the more I realize what intense roller coaster emotions I am experiencing. It's like the tallest, most spirally roller coaster ride you could imagine.



Much of the time my emotions are even keeled and I think I can be prepared for any outcome. But then out of the blue I'll start to feel real and intense grief about this transfer not working and the idea of being abruptly thrust off of the path of embryo adoption. I'll try to talk some sense into myself, finally get it together and go on with my day. Then maybe a few hours later I'll fall into blissfully daydreaming about this transfer actually producing a real-live baby (or two!) I'll dream about receiving good news (for once) on beta day, even making it all the way to the ultrasound where we identify a heartbeat. I'll dream about Kevin squeezing my hand with tears in both of our eyes as we realize we've made it further than ever before. I'll even go as far as to dream about what it would be like to learn we were having twins! Then like a cruel rubber band, I get snapped right back into the grief and I tell myself that these events happen to other people, but not us.

It's driving me certifiably insane.

I can confidently say that approaching such intense crossroads is not for the faint of heart. And I can feel these bipolar-ish swings getting more and more intense each day that grows closer to transfer and beta day. I really wish I could fast forward and see the outcome of all of this. I wish someone could hand me a sealed envelope that contains the future and I could quietly go into my bedroom with a box of kleenex, tear it open, and process the results. I know that the exponentially heightened emotions for this transfer are because of how much is at stake.

I'm also thinking a lot about all of the things that are planned post beta day as life inevitably moves on. I am thinking about how blissful future events (especially Holiday events) will feel if it works, and how awful and empty they will feel if it doesn't.

One event that comes to mind is the annual Holiday party Kevin and I throw every December at our home. I was hesitant to plan it this year seeing how it would be December 14th, which is barely beyond beta day. Being realistic, the party could possibly land right in the middle of a miscarriage. How in the world could I host a Holiday party if things go badly? But if one thing the past three years has taught me, it is that I can be strong, even when I think I don't have it in me to be strong. And even amidst our grief and sadness, we can choose to have moments where we set it all aside to live life again.

I think back to 2011. The very morning of that year's Holiday party, my mom was admitted to the hospital. During that stay, doctors prepared our family for the end. They assured us she had only about a week left to live because the cancer had caused her liver to shut down and was sending toxic fluid throughout her bloodstream. I immediately booked a flight to Utah for the following Friday to say my final goodbyes. The news was absolutely crushing. Yet somehow I still went on with the Holiday party that night. I really didn't think I could do it, but it was too late to cancel on everyone.

But what shocked me is that I had a lot of fun.

I find myself drawing strength from that day when I believe I can't make it through an event where I'm supposed to be happy. That night I chose to have fun, and fun is what I had. We are entitled to a night where we can forget our problems, our losses, and grief, and feel like everything is okay. And this year, I want to laugh, dance, and listen to Christmas music with my friends and coworkers no matter what. I did it once, and I know I can do it again.

I just hope I don't have to pretend. I hope I can enjoy the party sipping on non-alcoholic cider and hot chocolate because I'm six weeks pregnant with my beloved snowflakes.

Deck the halls

I know...I know....It's not even Thanksgiving yet.

But Kevin and I decided to get out the Christmas tree and decor last night. Don't judge. :)

In years past, we've taken it out no earlier than Thanksgiving day. But this year, Kevin said on multiple occasions how much he wanted to get it out even earlier. I was hesitant because it's waaaaaay early. But I finally gave in when he pointed out that we could at least enjoy it a few weeks early just in case we bad news about our cycle in December. He had a good point. I remember how his birthday went this year after the miscarriage news and it was just awful. So what do we have to lose by having it out a couple weeks early? If the cycle is success we get an extended season in this house. We aren't decorating the outside yet so no one else has to know but us.....and well, you guys. :)

So we got out the egg nog, turned on the Christmas music, and dragged the tree down. We put it together, hung wreaths, and decorated the fireplace. We aren't quite done yet, but it was fun getting it started. I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can. I never know when those sad days are going to hit me, but luckily last night was a happy one.

The explosion of Christmas stuff as it all was laid out

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Our miniature keepsake tree is decorated!

Why?

Why do I want to just cry today? Hormones?  I feel like a whole bunch of stuff is hitting me all of the sudden. It's getting real. Really real.

This could very well be my last shot at becoming pregnant. Like ever. In my life, ever. I may never know what it's like to hear the heartbeat of the tiny life growing inside of me. I may never get to feel little baby kicks. I may never get to wake Kevin up in the middle of the night to tell him "I think it's time."

This could be my last chance.

I'm thinking about what lies ahead with traditional adoption. How can we come up with 30k? What if we get scammed? What potential heartbreak lies ahead on this path? What if we never get picked? What if we do only to have the birth mother decide to parent after all?

I'm seeing birth announcements now for babies conceived after Maggie was. I should have Maggie in my arms, but I don't.

I should be nearing the end of my first trimester with our second pregnancy.

I miss my mom. I'm starting to forget her voice. It's scaring me to realize that.

Why in the world is Libby forced to endure the current circumstance with her beautiful daughter?

I'm trying not to cry myself into a mess as I write this on my phone from my work parking lot. I don't want to ruin another day for myself over nothing. I'm having one of those days that I'm sure many of you who have been through infertility and loss can relate to.

I hope I can get it together here soon and have a happy weekend.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

Green light!

I had my final lining check today and....

We are officially a GREEN LIGHT for the November 19th transfer!

My lining is at 8.8mm and perfect triple stripe. Yay! My RE said the words "beautiful" and "perfect" at least ten times over the course of the ultrasound. Ya gotta love that!

While in the waiting room before my appointment, I was surprised when my embryologist came out to chat with me and to tell me again that my snowflakes were there safe and sound. I got goose bumps knowing they were actually just feet away in the lab! While chatting, I learned that they are gearing up for their very first round of transfers next week now that they have opened their new location in Austin. And while I won't be their first embryo transfer, I will be their very first frozen embryo transfer at the new location. Pretty exciting!

Even though everything was perfect with the ultrasound, I'll admit that I went into it expecting bad news. I didn't want to feel that way, but for some reason I just did. As you may have noticed, I've found myself incredibly guarded about this cycle and I'm sure it's my heart's way of trying to protect itself. However, after the good news from the appointment I felt my heart swell with the foreign emotions of joy and excitement for the first time in a very long time! Within a few minutes of basking in the hope that this cycle just might actually result in parenthood, I felt an intense sense of fear overwhelm me for daring to feel hopeful again. I felt like it was unsafe to feel this way. I tried hard to shake that notion, but it stuck around for a bit and tainted my blissful moment. Then afterwards, I found myself fascinated at the polar opposite emotions that unfolded so quickly. It's clear that the events of the past few years have damaged me. I hate it. Ugh.

I am working hard to try to change that as much as I possibly can. When I got my BFP from FET #2, Libby gave me some great advice about hanging onto hope that I keep telling myself over and over. She helped remind me that it's okay to be scared. But guarding myself from joyfulness and hope won't completely avoid the heartache that may or may not come in the future. Failure and loss will hurt really bad whether or not I had hope leading up to it or not. Therefore why allow myself to be robbed of joyful moments as they come along? I should enjoy these moments every chance I get! I'm trying to do that with all my heart, but it's definitely something that comes much harder for me than it used to.

I'm hope I can squash that fear and keep the negativity monster at bay and relish in the good news as long as I can! Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. You've helped me immensely.

Welcome to Austin!

Out of the blue yesterday, my embryologist emailed me to tell me that she had transported our snowflakes from San Antonio to Austin and they were tucked in all safe and sound. We are excited to be doing our transfer in Austin instead of San Antonio this time because our RE opened up a brand new location here last month. This means that we won't have to make the long trek to San Antonio on transfer day!

I had no idea they were even moving them this early, but I'm happy to know they made it! Kevin was just asking me on Saturday how they planned to get them from San Antonio to Austin. I told him that they will be driving them, simple as that. He was a little concerned about our snowflakes getting in a car accident. But I reminded him that two of these embryos flew all the way from the west coast and one from the east coast, and had to be transported on the ground in a FedEx truck. So a little 1.5 hour drive would be small potatoes comparatively. But still, a snowflake dad worries! I'm honestly glad I had no idea yesterday would be the day they moved so I didn't have to worry as it was happening, but I'm also glad that my embryologist let me know they made it. I love knowing they are in the same city as me! Is that weird!? Welcome to Austin, little guys! It's a great city and you're going to love it here.

On Sunday, Kevin and I went to get breakfast at a mom-and-pop diner. They always serve their coffee in an assortment of random mugs that they've collected over the years. Check out the mug they served Kevin's coffee in! I hope it's a sign of good luck.

November 19th is just two weeks from today, friends!

Where do I go from here?

Both Kevin and I are constantly thinking of Libby's daughter and her family. I have just wracked my brain trying to think of other ways to help. I know I can't fix anything - but man, oh man...I wish I could! Thank you, my wonderful blog readers, for showing her family support through your prayers, comments, and donations.

I had an idea hit me while thinking about ways to help. I decided to reach out to my wonderful cousin who is currently reigning as her state's Miss _______ ( but I won't name which state.) In September, she competed in the Miss America pageant. Yup, the actual Miss America pageant! I told my cousin about Libby's daughter and she wanted to help. So she will be sending me a little something to give to her courtesy of a real beauty pageant queen! I hope it makes her daughter's day a little brighter to get something from a special person who is thinking about her!

I'm not sure where to go from here. My cycle and problems just feel so insignificant. But it does move forward. But please know that just because I continue blogging about my life events and my cycle issues doesn't mean for one second that I've forgotten about Libby and her current situation. They are in our hearts for the long haul. It just seems weird to talk about anything else because my issues seem so small and unimportant. But I will continue to blog. It does help me and I know it's helped others too.

So I guess onto my cycle news, I have my final lining check on Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect since FET #1 I had no issues and FET#2 I did. But the attitude I have for this cycle is - just go with the flow, Liz. I'm really not stressed about it. I realize what is meant to be, will be. I trust in God and have faith He will show us the road to our babies someway, somehow.

But that being said, every once and a while it will hit me as to what is at stake here.

It could actually work, which would mean:

• I could end up with twins who aren't related to me or each other. Or a singleton pregnancy in which I don't know my baby's genetic background until birth PLUS have a snowflake left...

or

• I could end up with twins or a singleton from Libby's batch with no snowflakes left.

Of course in either of these scenarios I'd be pregnant so I would be thrilled and it would be incredible.

Or on the flip side, it might not work at all or end in another miscarriage which could mean I could have either one snowflake left, or no snowflakes left at all. And no baby to show for it. We'd move onto traditional adoption. Adoption is promising, but brings a whole new set of stresses and fears. I'm scared. I'm not going to deny that.

So many variables with huge implications here. I have no idea what the future holds. I'll know part of the story on transfer day, but only time will tell how the rest turns out.

And if I might say one more thing about Libby...I am in awe of Libby and her gigantic heart. Can you believe that she actually texted me this morning to tell me she's thinking of me and the snowflakes?! There just are no words for how incredible she is. 

Long before facing infertility, I used to hear stories about IVF and third party reproduction and think it was really amazing science. And I still do. But I am realizing after adopting these snowflakes and having made these connections with these incredible women, that while science does play a part, to me this is mostly about an incredible human connection and massive amounts of love. I have nothing but love for both of our donors and embryo adoption is one of the most overwhelmingly incredible experiences I have ever had in my life.