Today is finally a day I don't feel like a prisoner of my home and can get out and do something uplifting. Last weekend was full of cramping, bleeding, and recovering from the D&C, and even looming ER visits. Plus I had to work all week long. So now that I am physically doing better and it's a weekend, Kevin and I have decided to find activities that make both us happy and do them together and focus on that. I got up early and got a pedicure and a delicious coffee and we plan to have a blissful no-thoughts-of-losing-our-child kind of day. I left the salon right as the woman next to me pulled out photos of her beautiful newborn to share with her salon attendant. That was my cue to head out, no doubt about it.
And in a few minutes, we are heading to a nice lunch and then to an animal sanctuary zoo. But first I wanted to talk a little about Facebook and what it's like for someone to be on Facebook having traveled such a hard road of infertility and now loss.
I've had to make some serious changes to my Facebook. While I would like to remain on Facebook to continue to be part of some private infertility support groups, I've had to unfollow nearly all of my friends who have children and families. Kevin had to completely deactivate his for the same reason. This is going to be hard to explain, but those of you have dealt or are currently dealing with infertility and/or loss will understand completely probably with no explanation needed.
We love our friends and families dearly and we love their children so much. We love how happy they are and we are happy for them too. But believe it or not, you can feel both immense joy and debilitating pain at the exact same time when it comes to the subject of your loved ones' children. It hurts beyond comprehension to be reminded of what we don't have and may never have. To see children's milestones, baby photos, the videos, life updates, funny things kids say, the pregnancy announcements, the birth announcements, bump updates, the first days at school. All of these things rip open already deep wounds that seem to never heal. Of course the parents should be proud and should share. We would do the same if we had children. But for right now we know the issue is in our world. Yet the pain we are experiencing is just too great regardless of how much love we have for our friends, families and their children. We recognize that we can't be exposed to it right now. Those who have never suffered like this may feel this is selfish. All I can say is there's no possible way for you to understand what this is like unless you've been down this hellish road yourself. It's a million times darker and harder than losing your own mother to cancer, and I can speak from experience on that one. I don't expect the world to change for us, but we must change our world right now.
It's even harder when we see someone complain or even jokingly complain about their children or pregnancy. In fact, I confronted one woman recently who offered one of her children up in a "Free child for the taking" post. For as many friends as she had on her friends list (300+) I guarantee I wasn't the only one who was hurt by her post that given that 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility. Most people don't recognize what an incomprehensible blessing their children are. I spoke up on behalf of all of those silently suffering and I am glad I did. She didn't mean to offend or hurt, but I think it was important to understand the pain these kinds of posts cause.
I hope it will get easier someday. We are in a dark place right now and are trying to focus on one another for our healing. We hope someday will be our turn. But we have suffered for years and now have been dangled torturously over a high cliff for weeks on end only to finally be dropped to then sustained horrible injuries. We are still assessing the damage done and are working on rehabilitating ourselves. Limiting our exposure to our friends and families children updates is important to the healing process right now.
In an effort to spend some time together just as the two of us, Kevin and I are going to a new fancy bistro for lunch, then visiting an animal sanctuary/zoo here in Austin. I am so looking forward to it! We went there last spring and had a wonderful time. We are huge animal lovers, and this particular sanctuary rescues zoo animals from terrible situations and gives them a place to live out their lives. Most of the animals are misfits such as goats with tremors, three-legged wolves, geriatric lions and tigers etc. It warms my heart so much to be around animals, especially ones that had once hard lives yet since rescue now have good ones. Animals are so healing for us as humans if we let them be. In fact, our three wonderful pets were rescues from horrific neglect and abusive situations and are all misfits in one way or another. I'll have to dedicate a separate post to them one day. But know that they now live the lives of spoiled little fur balls. They are appreciative and seem to know when we are hurting and make an effort to help us in their own ways. No matter how bad we feel, animals always help us feel better.
Here are some pictures of our pets. Chloe is the toothless black kitty, Nadia is the fatty calico kitty, and Oscar is the blind-in-one-eye dingo-eared hotdog-shaped brindle dog. He's dressed up for Halloween, he's not actually a Travis County sheriff. Hard to believe, I know.
I hope everyone has good plans to enjoy the weekend.
in their memory on a special day
