What a difference a year makes

Today I am 27w1d. And depending on who you talk to, I may or may not already be in my third trimester. Wait, what? How did that happen? This pregnancy is flying by AND dragging all at the same time. I can't wait until fourth trimester, if you know what I mean. ;-)

Here's yesterday's bump pic:

I'm spending some time reflecting a little this morning about what a difference a year can make. Particularly because I've had a few friends give birth to their May babies over the past couple of weeks. Baby births have always been bittersweet for me, but really if I might be honest, mostly bitter. I'd hear or read of a birth announcement or learn that so-and-so is in labor, and I'd go through a rollercoaster of emotions in a split second: The punch in the gut, the excitement, the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak, the thrill, the joy, the anger, then the guilt. Yeah. Then that would repeat over and over for about a week until finally I just accepted I was yet again the one left behind.

But now, birth announcements are just full of real joy and excitement. And dear God, am I grateful to be able to experience only that reaction once again. I can't begin to tell you how happy this realization makes me and how I honestly never thought I'd feel this way again.

There is still a part of me that remembers that I had a May 2014 baby on it's way at one point, but he/she was too beautiful for earth and I'll meet him/her in heaven someday. But I smile each time I think of these beautiful earth babies who were so prayed for and are so loved. And I smile knowing my earth baby will be here in just 80 days.

May and Mother's day have been awful for me ever since 2011. On top of struggling with infertility and loss, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer Mother's Day weekend that year, and she died a few months later. Mother's day has always been a big, fat reminder of all of that. And while I'll never forget the pain, the ordeal that mother's day usually brings is softened. I miss my mom greatly and I shed tears thinking about how she's not here with me. But, I also know that she's doing so much for us on the other side. In fact, I think she knows Sammy already. She gets to hold her hand now, even before we do. She promised me on her death bed she would "pull some strings in heaven" for us to finally become parents. And she has. So I have no doubt she's present in spirit and making good on her promise. 

And to all of the ladies who currently hold their future babies only in their hearts, I celebrate your incredible Mother Heart with you. Your hard work, tears, and dedication to giving your future babies life and love is beautiful. Thinking of each of you this weekend and sending my love.