Worst night of sleep ever

I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned pretty much the whole night. I couldn't shut my brain off. I kept thinking about today's ultrasound and was subconsciously playing through all the potential scenarios I could think of - both good and bad. I kept thinking about the first ultrasound during my first pregnancy where I was told I had an ectopic and my world came crashing down around me. I'm so full of anxiety it's crazy. I was optimistic for the majority of the wait for the ultrasound. But over the past day, my mental state took a negative turn. This crazy post-miscarriage brain of mine clearly has a hard time with this sort of thing.

We head to the clinic for the ultrasound at 1pm CST. I really wish it was earlier *sigh*. If we get good news, we will be stopping by Kevin's mom's house on the way home to tell her the news and show her the ultrasound picture. If we get bad news, I imagine we will come home and cry/sleep. Either way, when I get home I will update you all. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I've never prayed so hard in my life!

Are you in there?

As I wait for my ultrasound, I'm constantly wondering what is going on in there. I'm 6w1d today. Baby snowflake should be the size of a sweet pea. Is there a little heart beating yet? Are there two hearts? Hmmm, I really think there's just one. Well, I hope and pray there is at LEAST one, let's put it that way.

Are you in there, tiny little baby heart?

Monday seems so far away!

The elevator speech

Kevin and I went out to dinner on Sunday night. As expected, the server started by asking us what we wanted to drink. Kevin selected a beer from the restaurants extensive list of on-tap beers. And of course, I asked for water with lemon. I told our server I had a gluten intolerance and asked a few questions about the menu. The server returned with our drinks and then said to me "Did you order water only because you can't drink beer due to the gluten in it? Because we have gluten free beer if you'd like that." And my response was "Actually, I'm pregnant."

Whoa. Did those words actually come out of my mouth? It felt really foreign (yet oh-so-good) to say! The server's face lit up with a smile and she beamed "Congratulations!"

She began asking questions like "When are you due?" I answered "August."

She asked "Are you scared?" and of course my first reaction was "Yup, I'm terrified."

Then it dawned on me that she was likely asking if I'm scared to be a mother - NOT if I'm scared if this baby will actually die before being born as my first two had. Cue the reality of infertile brain.

After the brief conversation, Kevin and I reflected about what a surreal moment we just had with this stranger. I really am pregnant. And to this server, I was probably just a regular ol' pregnant woman who has a baby growing inside of her because of a roll in the hay with her husband. Does it matter to me if she knows the miraculous additional details of how this pregnancy came to be or not? Not really. But it did get me thinking about it since I imagine I'll be having similar conversations with others as my pregnancy (God-willingly) progresses.

I always told myself that I would be an advocate for embryo adoption. It is an incredible but widely unknown path that I wish was more known and accepted in our society. I always strive to live by the motto of "Be the change you wish to be in this world." So with that being said, I need to make sure I'm not afraid to talk about it or share. This is one of the reasons I blog. It's one of the reasons I started our EA/ED Facebook group. But it's a whole new territory broaching this topic with strangers as we discuss my seemingly "ordinary" pregnancy. Who exactly should I share our story with? With servers at restaurants? When exactly is appropriate? I feel I need to be delicate so that I don't over-share, BUT I feel called to share. Because if the story of our experience with embryo adoption ultimately gets back to a suffering infertile couple who then begins to research it and they ultimately find success with it themselves, it will all be worth it to me. I would also love for couples with leftover remaining embryos to know an amazing option exists for them as well.

There's a concept used in the business world called an 'elevator speech.' An elevator speech is when someone explains an idea in a quick yet powerful 30-60 second speech as they might stand next to a stranger in an elevator. It's the chance to make a strong first impression on any particular topic. I feel like I need to come up with my 'elevator speech' for our story of embryo adoption. I need to condense it into a nutshell, ensure I share only the right amount of details, and have it ready if the right moment presents itself. I know I wont use this speech with everyone I meet, but if I feel the moment is right, I want to be ready.

For those of you who have been through embryo adoption, do you have your 'elevator speech' prepared? What do you say? What questions prompt you to bring up your experience with embryo adoption? Who do you find yourself sharing your story with and why?

Iced in!

Like much of the rest of the country, Austin is experiencing extremely cold temperatures and ice. But unlike much of the rest of the US, Austin isn't used to cold weather and ice! So in our case, much of the city comes to a standstill. This means we avoid the roads, light a fire, find a fluffy blanket and stay cozy. I grew up in Utah and sometimes miss the cold temperatures so I'm weird and am liking it.

I've been in good spirits with the news of my doubling beta. I've had regular cramping, sore breasts, food aversions, heartburn etc. Even though the physical symptoms are uncomfortable, it brings me much comfort every time a symptom rears it's head.

I can't express to you how much I want to see the flicker of a tiny heartbeat on the 16th since we never got to see it in our first pregnancy/miscarriage. Week after week we'd go to the OB and some progress would be made, but no heartbeat. We'd tell ourselves "Maybe next week" but it never happened. And at 9w1d it was over. I'm trying to make myself believe that this time will be different and we may actually get to experience that beautiful heartbeat this time. I still can't help but be scared as the memories of my first pregnancy come rushing back.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep myself occupied while cooped up at home.

I decided to conquer a pinterest craft and made myself this DIY sharpie mug.

And I also made two pounds of sugar coated pecans this morning. They are so good and will be a hit at the Christmas party we are hosting on Saturday!

I hope everyone is cozy at home in this cold weather. Brr!

Beta #2 results

Beta #2 came in at 1373 which puts the doubling time of 51.6 hours! Betas start to slow down to 72-96 hours anyway as they get past 1200 so I'm happy with the results!

And the other good news is that my RE doesn't want anymore betas like I first thought. Hallelujah! She thinks two is enough. My ultrasound is scheduled for December 16 at 1pm CST. It's going to be another long wait but the prize at the end of this wait should be unimaginable. God willing, we will get to see the flicker of a tiny heartbeat.

I just want to see that little flicker that day. I have never wanted something so badly in my entire life. Please God, PLEASE let us see that tiny heartbeat.

And we wait once again

My blood is drawn and I anxiously wait for the phone call to let me know the results of beta #2. I'm not as nervous about this one for some reason. Although the crazy damaged brain in me thinks that by me NOT worrying somehow I'm jinxing it so the results will be bad. How bizarre is that? The irrational and superstitious places my wacky brain goes while I'm waiting are ridiculous.

As the mark of an infertility veteran, I've officially blown the vein in my right arm. I've had multiple lab people tell me that vein was on it's last leg and today it was official. It's no good anymore. I guess I have something in common with hardcore IV drug users. Just crazy! I hope it comes back to life at some point and is usable again! Good thing I have plenty more that are juicy and good to go!

Okay I'm off to work. I really hope it's a good result because I can't handle a meltdown while I'm there. Thanks for your prayers! I'll post once I get the number.

Another milestone: 5w0d

I'm 5w0d today!

I'm staying hopeful that my beta will look great tomorrow, but I have a feeling I'll still be a nervous wreck until I get the call. My clinic not only made me wait until 13dp6dt for my first beta, they make me wait three days in between repeat betas, and I have to get three betas total before moving onto scheduling an ultrasound. Holy moly it feels so dragged out. This means my third and final beta will be Monday, and hopefully my ultrasound will be later next week or early the week after. I hope my betas are rock star great, and I can continue to feel happy about all of this!

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good most of the day. But other than extreme hunger (which lasts all day and night) most of my symptoms mainly come out in the evenings. My breasts are the most tender in the evenings, I'm the most tired and nauseated, and most of my cramping happens between 5pm until I go to bed. In the mornings and afternoons I find myself wondering if I'm still pregnant because my symptoms are so mild or gone altogether. But when I get home from work, I definitely remember because my symptoms are all back. I guess this baby is a night owl. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

I'm finding myself thinking a lot about our donors. My heart is bursting with gratitude to both of them for these extraordinary gifts they have given us. Both Vicky and Libby have been angels to us. At the same time, my heart is incredibly heavy and sad as I think of Libby and the suffering she and her family continues to endure with her daughter's brain tumor. I think of her constantly.

I will never understand God's reasoning for why this happened to her, especially for the timing of it. Her daughter's diagnosis gives her survival approximately nine months. And as we all know, nine months is also the length of time it takes me to have a baby. I find myself realizing that in nine months, Kevin and I could be experiencing the most incredible joy we will ever know as we bring our first child into this world. Yet at the same time, Libby and her family could be experiencing the most intense pain they will ever know as their precious baby leaves this world. I really don't understand and it seems so incredibly unfair. It's beyond my comprehension. I would trade all of this if I knew it would fix her little girl. I wish we could both have our babies here with us forever and have our "happily ever afters." I ask that you all will continue to pray for Libby's family.

My beta results are in

Never have I cried and laughed so hard in my whole life. All at exactly the same time.

I'm 13dp6dt and my beta came back at 522.

I am overjoyed. Actually, overjoyed doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. I am SO GRATEFUL. OH my gosh am I grateful!

Please continue to stick, little one(s)! Your mommy and daddy love you so much!

Next beta is Thursday!

And now we wait

The deed is done.

My blood is drawn, and now we wait. I am crazy, no, I am INSANELY anxious. There is no doubt that my first two miscarriages damaged me emotionally and mentally. I have never had a blissfully happy beta day, and I've had plenty to look back on. I had something like seven beta draws with my first pregnancy and three for my second, so driving to the lab brings up so much anxiety and fear. I felt like I was going to puke. Every time I do that drive, I feel like I'm driving to get an inevitable outcome: low, non-doubling betas.

The thoughts are racing through my mind like crazy. If I'm nervous today, I can only imagine how nervous I will feel Thursday for beta #2! Yes, I have to wait until Thursday, as if waiting 13dp6dt for beta #1 wasn't torture enough.

I appreciate the kind words and reassurance, but unfortunately there's no talking me out of the nauseating anxiety I am dealing with as I wait for the call. In fact, I started talking to a psychologist shortly after losing baby #1 and she said she thinks I suffer from post-traumatic anxiety stemming from my mom's death, severe infertility diagnosis, and subsequent losses. And on days like today, there is no doubt she's probably right! Holy anxiety, batman! I just want that call to come already so I can begin to process - good or bad.

My plan is to try to relax (ha!) by going to go get a pedicure before work and try to focus on everything else except my fears (ha again!) I have a feeling that's going to be a tall order! :) I usually get my results anywhere from 4-6 hours after draw, so stay tuned. I will post once I get them.

I thank you all so much as you pray for my beta results today. Your support means the world to me, my amazing readers!