Not if......when.

I've been living my life as much like a normal pregnant woman as much as I possibly can. I've been eating foods I can stomach, which generally are bizarre. And I'm avoiding prior favorites like shrimp and crab like the plague. I constantly tell Kevin that "we" love him (me and baby!) We daydream of our nursery, talk about labor and delivery, and are thinking of our future with baby in it. My pants have been getting tighter lately so I decided to treat myself with some new clothes. I got three pairs of maternity jeans yesterday at Target! Oh maternity pants: Where in the world have you been all my life? So comfortable!

Feeling so normal has created a tiny voice nagging me in the back of my mind that says, "Why are you acting like this baby is actually going to be born? You're just jinxing yourself." But I've been able to smash that voice away pretty easily whenever I think of baby's amazing heartbeat. Logically, I know anything could happen. But I'm relishing in this blissful hope and optimism that this baby will be the one we finally take home this summer. I'm surprised at how well the optimism has been going! It's the answer to my prayers because I thought every waking moment would be wrought with fear and anxiety. I am eternally grateful it's not like that.

I still worry though. For example, 90% of the time when I have occasional cramps, I smile as I imagine baby growing and stretching in there. In fact, he/she is now the size of a green olive! But the other 10% of the time when I feel cramps, that nagging voice tells me I'm starting to miscarry again. It's crazy, but I suppose it's inevitable considering my previous losses.

Many of my symptoms disappeared around the 9w mark. That did kind of freak me out a little. But they appear to be back now in slightly different forms. Instead of achy/heavy breasts, now I'll feel electrical shocks shooting through them! I understand that symptoms start to let up around the 9w mark anyway. Totally normal. And probably a good thing I am feeling relief. I still wake up to middle of the night with nausea and I smile.

I hope I can continue this optimism as my pregnancy progresses because I know myself and this "me" is very unlike the "me" I've known for years. I never thought this "me" was even possible.

I'm finding myself telling myself over and over that it's not going to be if I meet this baby and hold him/her in my arms, but instead I'm operating under the pretense that it will be when.