Not if......when.

I've been living my life as much like a normal pregnant woman as much as I possibly can. I've been eating foods I can stomach, which generally are bizarre. And I'm avoiding prior favorites like shrimp and crab like the plague. I constantly tell Kevin that "we" love him (me and baby!) We daydream of our nursery, talk about labor and delivery, and are thinking of our future with baby in it. My pants have been getting tighter lately so I decided to treat myself with some new clothes. I got three pairs of maternity jeans yesterday at Target! Oh maternity pants: Where in the world have you been all my life? So comfortable!

Feeling so normal has created a tiny voice nagging me in the back of my mind that says, "Why are you acting like this baby is actually going to be born? You're just jinxing yourself." But I've been able to smash that voice away pretty easily whenever I think of baby's amazing heartbeat. Logically, I know anything could happen. But I'm relishing in this blissful hope and optimism that this baby will be the one we finally take home this summer. I'm surprised at how well the optimism has been going! It's the answer to my prayers because I thought every waking moment would be wrought with fear and anxiety. I am eternally grateful it's not like that.

I still worry though. For example, 90% of the time when I have occasional cramps, I smile as I imagine baby growing and stretching in there. In fact, he/she is now the size of a green olive! But the other 10% of the time when I feel cramps, that nagging voice tells me I'm starting to miscarry again. It's crazy, but I suppose it's inevitable considering my previous losses.

Many of my symptoms disappeared around the 9w mark. That did kind of freak me out a little. But they appear to be back now in slightly different forms. Instead of achy/heavy breasts, now I'll feel electrical shocks shooting through them! I understand that symptoms start to let up around the 9w mark anyway. Totally normal. And probably a good thing I am feeling relief. I still wake up to middle of the night with nausea and I smile.

I hope I can continue this optimism as my pregnancy progresses because I know myself and this "me" is very unlike the "me" I've known for years. I never thought this "me" was even possible.

I'm finding myself telling myself over and over that it's not going to be if I meet this baby and hold him/her in my arms, but instead I'm operating under the pretense that it will be when.

I actually asked for more injections!

I'm finally at the 9w mark. Well, 9w1d, but who's counting? ;-) I'm supposed to finally start weaning off of my meds! My RE's normal protocol is start weaning meds at 9w to every other day and then at 10w stop altogether. Leading up to this week, I was elated to kick these injections to the curb. But the more I got to reading and thinking about it, it seemed a little early since many REs choose to stop meds more like 11w or 12w. It didn't quite sit well seeing how much is at stake.

Kevin and I talked about it and we thought we should email the RE for blood work for peace of mind, or at least allow me to extend my meds, or even do Crinone instead for a week or two. We'd be devastated if progesterone deficiency caused us to lose this little one. So I must be crazy for wanting to do more shots, but for the sake of my sanity, I had to at least ask!

Well, today my nurse called and explained that staying on the meds too long can mess with baby's sex organs. That I didn't know! We definitely don't want to do anything to jeopardize baby's health. But the doctor did suggest an extension of the weaning by one extra week. I am going to continue injections every day this week only I'll drop down to half the dose each time. And then starting next week, I'll go to every other day until I stop completely at 11w. I feel a lot better about this plan. She said blood work isn't helpful because once the placenta takes over, it can sustain baby on lower levels than what was needed in the beginning of the pregnancy. And generally speaking, seeing those lower progesterone level results from the lab causes patients unnecessary stress. I was sold on this plan, and am happy with the extra week of weaning.

One week left until my first OB appointment! Yay!

2014

Here I am writing you from the year 2014. That sounds so....future-y. To recap my night last night, I was so tired, that I was in bed by about 9pm. So it marked the first new year in about 12 years that I haven't rang in January 1 with the count down. I wouldn't have changed it one bit! I have never looked forward to a new year so much. 2014 is finally our year.

2013 was.....what's the right word? Exhausting. We did three frozen embryo transfers, lost two babies, and were finally pregnant with a baby with a healthy, beating heart as we rang in the new year (or I guess you could say I snored in the new year.) But all of the hard work and heartache was so worth it. It has forever changed who I am and will be. Had someone told me ten years ago I'd be in this position, I would never have believed them. Never in a million years did I think I'd be an outspoken advocate for embryo adoption. I wouldn't have even known of it! Never did I think I could be pregnant with our adopted child. Never would I have believed I would have relationships with our genetic donor families. And never did I think it would have been this hard to get here. But the pain had a purpose because it's changed me. Forever.

My heart still aches, and will forever ache, for those of you are still praying for your miracles. I hate that any of us have to suffer from infertility and/or loss. It's been the hardest experience of my life times a hundred. It's so unfair that some of the most amazing women I've met are forced to fight this fight that they never signed up for. And then cruelly, the majority of the world doesn't understand their pain. So we suffer in silence.

There are literally no words to express the gratitude to God, to Kevin, to our donors, my fellow EA mama-friends, and to all of you. I couldn't have made it to this point without you all. I hope all of your dreams come true on whatever path you are on. I hope 2014 brings you success. And if nothing else, a promising path of hope for the future.

Graduation day!

I graduated from my RE today. Dang. Did I just say that? Unreal. The RE has been such an intertwined part of my life for over two years. Now (dare I say it) I'm just a regular ol' pregnant lady! I couldn't be happier to be just a regular ol' pregnant anybody!

Our final RE appointment went great. Baby looks perfect and had a strong heartbeat of 183bpm. He/she still looks like a blob with a yolk sac, but the nurse did point out the little leg nubs this time. So adorable! I can't wait to squeeze those chunky baby thighs someday. Ah, I melt just thinking about it! I really can't wait until this baby starts taking the shape of a baby. Maybe he/she will at our first appointment with the OB next Thursday, which will put me at 10w1d.

I've found myself going to my ultrasounds with only a slight feeling of anxiety. I'm trying to put blinders on when it comes to Dr Google, or even knowing what to expect at these appointments. I'm just going with what the doctor tells me and it's keeping my anxiety to a minimum, which has been great. With pregnancy/miscarriage #1, I lived on Dr Google. I spent so much time learning anything and everything there was about betas, blighted ovums, miscarriages, ectopics, etc. It was a desperate attempt to feel like I had some control, when obviously I did not. And in the end, it just made me so full of fear and anxiety. I couldn't shut it off. I've learned that while information can be power, too much information can be detrimental to mental health. There's a fine balance.

I'm so glad this is still going well, and I still can't believe I am at this point. We are overjoyed.

Words beyond the grave

I was born in August. I was also my mom's firstborn. In fact, her due date was August 3rd, only three days from my due date of August 6th. I've found myself thinking about that quite a bit lately. Was my little heartbeat the sound that brought her to tears back in 1981? These thoughts give me a connection to her as I experience milestones, symptoms, etc. My mom never dealt with infertility, but I know that her calling to be a mother was one of the most important things in her life and she loved her children more than life itself. I feel an extra special connection with her now that I am pregnant and as I anxiously wait to meet our special little baby next Summer.

Last night I got home from work and I was surprised to find a box from my cousin (who has no idea I'm pregnant) waiting for me. I opened it, and couldn't believe what was inside.

My mom's journal.

I flipped it open. I realized she was writing to her future children. Me.

"I love you already and I haven't even met you and I know my life will be more complete as I meet you."

She was speaking to me beyond the grave.

I can't believe this treasure is now in my possession. I can't wait to read through it and feel like she's here with me again, only in a new light.

Thank you, mom. There's never been a doubt you're near, but moments like these definitely remind me you're watching from the other side.

The day after Christmas

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas! We sure did. On Christmas Eve, we drove to see a big light display in a neighboring town. It was beautiful! I kept thinking how fun it will be to bring our future child(ren) there someday. I find myself thinking this about all kinds of different activities lately, and it's blissful. And when I do, it hits me that it is likely that our first born child is inside of me right now. It's still such an incredible concept. We are so in love with this baby and we can't wait to experience the world with him/her in it.

On Christmas day, Kevin helped make the elaborate dinner which was a huge help because I wasn't feeling so great physically. The symptoms are hitting me full force now, no doubt about it. That's okay though, because I wouldn't change it for the world. One of Kevin's gifts to me was a beautiful snowflake pendant with a blue diamond in the center. Isn't it beautiful?

As far as pregnancy symptoms go, I have been experiencing a lot more nausea. It started Sunday after we went to brunch and hasn't really let up. I have nausea if I don't eat, and sometimes nausea after I eat. Nothing has brought me to throw up yet, but I've definitely been to the point of gagging. I have mostly food aversions, and no cravings to speak of, because very little sounds good to me. Well, the things that do sound good to me contain gluten which I can't eat lol! I'm forcing myself to eat cottage cheese and rice crackers, and a green smoothie when I first get up to kick start my day and it helps me a lot. I just look at it as fueling my body. I am very fatigued and go to bed early any opportunity I can find. I'll still get occasional sharp cramps here and there as I assume the uterus stretches. But no bleeding, which is great. I am thrilled to be experiencing any part of a healthy pregnancy I can get - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm incredibly grateful and none of this is complaining, just documenting what is going on with me!

I'll leave you with a picture of our dog, Oscar, enjoying his new bone that Santa Paws brought him for Christmas. Someday Santa CLAUS will be visiting our home and spoiling our two legged loved ones. :) Someday soon!

The cuteness overflows

We had our second ultrasound appointment with the RE this morning at 7w5d. Not only was snowflake baby's heartbeat going strong at 159bpm, we were able to get a recording of it inside of stuffed animals! Whenever the lamb or elephant is squeezed, we can replay the beautiful heartbeat sound. Can you believe how adorable this idea is? Amazing keepsakes!

And here's the incredible sound of the little lamb playing baby's heartbeat!

Here is an ultrasound picture from today. Hi, baby!

And as if this day wasn't special enough,  I was so touched to find this delivered on my porch this morning as a gift from my friend Jess! Crazy cute!

We have our third and final appointment with the RE on Monday, and then I graduate to the OB. My first OB appointment will be on January 9th.

I still can't believe this is really happening!

BEST CHRISTMAS SEASON EVER.

Two years ago

Thank you SO much for all of the kind words and congratulatory messages for our successful ultrasound on Monday. We are on top of the world! I've been feeling increasingly symptomatic, but I think that's a really good thing. The late afternoons and evenings are the hardest physically, but I wouldn't change it for the world! I'm seven weeks today. Such a miracle to type those words!

Today is a really important day and I want to talk about someone who is very special to me. Two years ago today, heaven gained one of it's most cherished angels when my mom passed away from colon cancer. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, and others it feels like decades ago.

What would my mom think about the events that unfolded in the years after her passing? The painful path of our infertility would have crushed her. She knew how badly I wished to be a mother. Our losses, our failures - she would have been devastated right there next to us. But today, I know for certain that she'd be elated we are finally expecting our baby! She wanted only good things and happiness for her family. She wanted us to know the joys of parenthood. A couple weeks before she passed, I had barely been diagnosed with DOR and we had touched on the concept of embryo adoption. We had just learned of it ourselves. She was incredibly supportive of the idea. She loved all of her grandchildren even if she hadn't met them yet.

After her funeral, I sorted through her jewelry box to take anything sentimental home with me. I was surprised to find a beautiful snowflake pendant. To most people, it probably wouldn't have meant much to them. But to me, it felt as though it was my mom offering a smile and a nod to us for the incredible path of embryo adoption that we had only just discovered. I almost felt like she knew of the greater plan in store and was just showing us a glimmer.

I wore it so often that unfortunately one of the tips broke off!

In the months leading up to her death in 2011, "Without you" by David Guetta ft Usher would regularly be played the radio. I deemed this to be her song. The lyrics cut right into my soul. How in the world would I go on without her? She was my best friend.

I can't win, I can't reign.

I will never win this game without you, without you.

I am lost, I am vain. I will never be the same without you, without you.

I won't run, I won't fly. I will never make it by without you, without you.

I can't rest, I can't fight . All I need is you, & I without you, without you.

Coincidentally, I learned my dad had also deemed this to be her song. This was especially strange because my dad mainly listens to classical and choir music!

My mom was a beloved high school teacher in her local town. After her passing, the school started a scholarship in her memory and hosted a faculty talent show to raise money for it. While the entire talent show was amazing, one particular performance by the art teachers moved me to tears.


It appeared that my dad and I weren't the only ones who knew this was her song. Everyone else knew it too.

As months went by, her song played less frequently on the radio until hardly ever at all. But after a while, her song seemed to only play at pivotal moments in my life. I remember a monitoring ultrasound for our IVF cycle in 2012 where the RE told me that my ovaries were not responding whatsoever. I was devastated. I got into the car and started to cry. I turned on the car to make my drive into work, when all of the sudden her song began to play on the radio. It was as though she was trying to comfort me by telling me she was near.

About a year after her death, my dad moved from Utah to Texas. Buying his home just 15 houses up the street from us was such a special day. I remember how excited we were meeting the realtor and being handed the keys to his new house. I hopped back in the car with the keys in hand, turned on the radio and there was her song! I felt like she was pleased my dad would be looked after. She was definitely near.

Unfortunately, I haven't heard this song played on the radio for many, many months.

However on Monday, after our amazing ultrasound, I was stunned, in awe, and basking in the joy of hearing our baby's heartbeat for the very first time. On the drive home, I turned on the radio and guess what song was just starting to play? Her song! No doubt she was with us for such a joyous occasion. She wanted us to know she was near.

I love her and miss her so much, but I'm comforted knowing she is watching from the other side. I think she knows the bigger picture and is smiling as she watches it unfold.

The ultrasound

Meet our precious snowflake baby. Baby looks great and has a strong heartbeat of 134 bpm!

The nerves leading up to the ultrasound were unreal. I have never been so scared in my life. But with this amazing news I am so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude that I am in tears. Thank you so much for your prayers.

We will be going back on Monday morning for another ultrasound - not because the RE is worried at all about this baby. But because the RE is ultra cautious that a second baby isn't growing somewhere it shouldn't be. My RE encourages single embryo transfers. So in cases where they transfer more than one, they always like to be extra careful. I'm not worried about that at all, and it's another amazing opportunity to see this beautiful baby growing in there! Can't wait until Monday!