I'm starting to get nervous

I'm starting to get nervous. Not for the transfer itself, that's the easy part. And actually I'm excited for the transfer. After all, I'll be meeting these precious snowflakes for the very first time! But I'm getting really nervous about the outcome of this cycle. Will it work? How will I feel if it doesn't work? The only negative I ever got from an ART cycle was with our first unmedicated IUI and I pretty much knew it wouldn't work from the get-go. My IVF cycle in 2012 was cancelled due to no ovarian response, and my first FET was a success, albeit a miscarriage. How would just a flat-out negative feel? It scares me thinking about it, but I know it's a real possibility. My beta is the day before Kevin's birthday so it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking about what that day will look like if it's negative. And of course, I'm also nervous that I might get a positive only to miscarry again similar to the cruel and drawn-out way I did last time. So many thoughts running through my mind.

I think it's compounded by the fact that a lot of my good friends who have also suffered through severe infertility are newly pregnant. I would love to get to be 'pregnancy buddies' with them. But how will I feel if I learn I'm left behind again? I will be sad to see that opportunity slip away on top of the other feelings of sadness if this doesn't work out.

I've been coming up with little consolation prizes in my head just in case it doesn't work. Sushi, coffee, etc. But it's not enough. I just want to be pregnant more than anything else in this world. I want one (or two!) of these snowflakes to implant and to become our take home baby(ies). There's nothing blaring at me that makes me feel like this won't work, all the signs are positive. But we know the statistics for a DEmbryo FET are around 50%. Everything could be perfect and the reality is that it still might not work. In fact, they could all die during thaw. Last time we lost two of them this way. I find myself pleading and even bartering with God at night to just let this be our turn. I can feel the emotional rollercoaster beginning.

In other news, I started the PIO on Saturday and it's been going well. Kevin and I are pros at PIO because we had to do it all the way until my 9w loss last time. I'm starting to feel a little sore already from these painful shots, but it's not that bad. Kevin is such a caring and compassionate husband. He did a bunch of research on how to minimize the pain involved. And so far, it seems to have helped. We did my first shot during the BYU vs Texas football game on Saturday night. But Texas lost in a big, disastrous way. Booo! I hope that's not an omen of things to come.

I also deep cleaned our house yesterday. I'm talking carpet shampooing, shower cleaning, toilets, etc. Kevin manicured the yard and the garden. Our home looks amazing inside and out. My mental state is always better in a clean and beautiful house, and since I'll be taking it easy after transfer, it will be much more restful doing it in an immaculate home.