The end and the beginning

This post might be a little graphic. You've been warned.

Yesterday officially marked the end of my pregnancy. This baby made it all the way to 5w1d before he/she was born straight to heaven and is now in the loving arms of God, her grandma, and her sister. We will meet someday, little one!

Up until yesterday, I was in a limbo period where I knew it was going to end soon, yet I was technically still pregnant. Each day that passed helped me come to an emotional peace that it was over, but I still longed for the closure which I knew could only come with blood. Every day I wondered "will today be the day?" Yesterday, the answer was yes.

We went about our normal Sunday business and headed home. By the time we got home I was in a lot of pain and had to lay down. I couldn't believe how much blood was involved. I knew it would be heavy and painful, but this was far more than expected. And what also surprised me was the sadness that both Kevin and I felt. I thought I had worked through the feelings and the day it finally happened would emotionally feel just like another period, but both Kevin and I were very sad at the finality of it. We spent quite a bit of time talking and expressing our sadness and anger at the outcome. While there are times on this rollercoaster ride where we are excited for the future, there are also difficult times like yesterday where we are angry about the past and the present. It's hard to see the future when you're in such a fog. That's just how this process works sometimes.

The cramps got so bad yesterday that I considered taking a Vicodin, but instead decided to take four Advil which thankfully took the edge off enough for me to go to sleep. I awoke refreshed today knowing that pregnancy is now behind me and I'm facing the future. I'm not in even a fraction of the amount of pain I was yesterday - emotionally or physically.

From a logistical standpoint, I have a final beta draw today. If the level is below 5, my RE will start me on birth control pills and I can consider myself at the beginning of my final FET cycle this year. I am also waiting for the preauthorization approval from my insurance company and am praying like crazy we don't have any delays due to anything insurance related. I am so emotionally and physically drained that I just want to fast forward to the end of this year to know if this worked or not, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I will experience every up and down until we get to that finish line.

Yesterday is written, but today marks a new day, a new cycle, and a new chance at parenthood.