I'm upset

I am still angry about what happened to us on Friday. It's not consuming my every waking moment or anything, but I honestly feel like I'm recovering from going to a war of sorts. I am traumatized. I think it's hit Kevin even harder than me. He didn't want to do anything this weekend.

I'm just so upset.

When I had to quickly type up the blog post account of what happened on Friday, some parts of the story may not have been clear so I'll try to clear some stuff up here.

We originally chose to go to the OB because he had better imaging equipment to detect ectopic pregnancies. Something using another kind of technology, but I don't  remember what it was called. However, he didn't have to use that special imaging technique to find the gestational sac. He used the regular sonogram machine when he found the sac.

When my RE got the empty ultrasounds sent to her on Friday by my local office, she called me and agreed it definitely did not look good because there was nothing to see. We even talked about the MTX shot to terminate if we continued to not see anything on ultrasound. Had we gone in for another ultrasound and they had seen nothing, we may have terminated a pregnancy needlessly. This is one of the scariest parts of the whole thing.

Another thing that has me really upset is that when we got the "You have no hope" speech, we both had to tell our respective coworkers/bosses that we were not going to be going to work. There's no way we could be at work after getting news like that. Kevin emailed his boss, and I emailed mine. In addition, I knew I was going to be on-call next week starting on Sunday night. I knew that having just lost my baby, there was no way on this earth I was fit to be on-call.  I knew that I had to arrange for coverage quickly since it was a Friday and my on-call started Sunday.  Because of this, I decided to email three of my fellow team members and ask if they wouldn't mind taking over my on-call shift. This is a very big favor to ask on such short notice, so I went ahead and let the cat out of the bag to help them understand why I was asking this favor. I said something along the lines of having lost a baby that we had gone to enormous lengths to have over the course of two years. I figured this was the story's finale, and it would be a fact shared only in hindsight.

Now that we know there actually is a gestational sac and some hope is restored, I feel like an idiot for having shared such personal information with coworkers so early on in the process. I'm definitely glad I did switch my on-call shift because I have no idea how this week will play out. I could very well get the same news on Tuesday (another beta) or Wednesday (second ultrasound) and learn that this baby didn't make it. I'd be right back to square one so I'm hesitant now to continue to provide updates only to have us back to where we started: no baby. But if it does work out, I feel like I cried "wolf"! It's hard to explain how this makes me feel. They are great coworkers and understood, but still, I just feel embarrassed.

Now I'm not quite sure how to approach it with my team members. Do I give them every little detail as this progresses? What if we learn we have lost this baby on Wednesday after I tell them there really is hope after all? That would be back and forth and back and forth. It's driving me crazy. I can't let them go on thinking that I've lost my baby so I'm going to need to give them an update today but it just sucks big-time feeling like I called wolf. And to explain why it's not my fault just seems like sharing TMI.

I'm also upset that if we do lose this pregnancy, we will have had to have go through that kind of pain twice. I'm terrified of going to that place again, even though I know its a very real possibility. I also know it might work out. But we had to needlessly go through something so harrowing and awful it just kills me to think about mourning a miscarriage twice for one child. Just awful.

My RE called me twice on Friday. The first was after she got the bad information from my local office and had my beta results. I told her I was at the OB getting another ultrasound (which hadn't been performed at that point yet.) I think both of us weren't expecting to see anything. After the ultrasound was completed, he sent over the report of what he found, and a few hours later the RE called again.

She just called for no real reason other than to see how I was doing and express her delight that the OB found the sac. I could sense she may have even been irritated herself that she was given bad info by the local office. My RE is really great, it's this other stuff that seems to be the issue. I told her very clearly how upset I was that they had told me it was ectopic and that they had said that we had no hope left. I told her I couldn't believe they were diagnosing patients and giving them no hope when they shouldn't be. The RE agreed that this should never happen. I also told her I wasn't going back to the RE's office ever again and instead the OB will oversee the ultrasounds and bloodwork and the information will be shared with the RE. She understood and told me to contact her directly from now on. They will continue to monitor my meds and my OB will manage this pregnancy. She really is fantastic.

Well, I know that was long but I'm still angry and I felt like I wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

I would love prayers for tomorrow's beta and Wednesday's ultrasound.