The D and C

Yesterday I had my D and C at 9w1d. It went a lot better emotionally than I had expected. When I first sensed trouble with this pregnancy, I kept thinking about how a D and C would go and I pictured myself crying on the way to the surgery center, at the surgery center, in recovery, etc. But it didn't happen like that. I teared up a couple of times though. Once when one of the nurses came over and kindly told me she had experienced a miscarriage too and how sorry she was for our loss. This meant a lot because the previous nurse was so flippant about our situation I could tell she totally didn't get it - even when I tried to explain the road we had traveled.  I also cried when one of my brothers texted me telling me how sorry he was. I didn't tell him the news, but I asked that my Dad do it. My brothers and I are not very close, I'll have to write a post about that story one of these days but to hear from one of them meant the world. Maybe I'll still hear from the other, but I'm not holding my breath.

I think the reason I didn't cry is because I didn't feel like yesterday was the "goodbye." Baby Maggie had stopped growing sometime the week prior. And all that was left was her body, not her spirit. I know her spirit had already left and was in God's loving arms. Kevin made a point that this was just a process for the body and that's exactly how I felt.

The procedure itself went very well. The OB talked to Kevin while I was in recovery and said everything was very easy and he was thorough. The baby and the gestational sac had already detached themselves from the uterine wall and clots were forming around it. This was a sign that a miscarriage was imminent - likely in the next day or two. It reaffirmed that the choice to do a D and C was the right one which brought so much comfort as we had struggled with this decision for at least two weeks. There was no amount of waiting that would have helped Maggie grow. And while her body is not longer with me, her spirit will always be. The D and C will never change that.

I had a lot of pain after the procedure and slept most of the afternoon and evening. Kevin  was suffering quite a bit emotionally yesterday and felt the finality to our loss. I love him so much and I hate seeing him suffer like this, but I know it's a necessary part of this process. He is the most incredible man and was the best Dad anyone could have asked for in the past 9 weeks that Maggie was with us.

Planting her Magnolia tree was so therapeutic for me and I know meant a lot to Kevin too. I didn't actually do the work to plant it, I can thank my incredible husband for that. Watching him dig a hole in the earth felt like a funeral of sorts. Placing the sleeping baby statue made both of us tear up. Kevin went inside to get something and one of our neighbors kids went outside and started saying "Mommy! Mommy!" right at that moment. That definitely tore a piece of my heart out. Someday I pray some little voice will be calling that word out emphatically to me.

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my previous posts. I normally go back and respond to each and every one but there are just too many for me to do that. I want you to know how grateful I am and I have read every single one. I have cried at the outpouring of support and it's meant the world.