I got beta #3 back yesterday: 580. So here's what we have so far:
Beta #1 @ 11dp5dt-93
Beta #2 @ 14dp5dt - 249 Doubling 50.67 hrs
Beta #3 @ 17dp5dt - 580 Doubling 59.02 hrs
I was really hoping for a mind blowing third beta to finally put my mind at ease, yet this wasn't quite it. However it certainly is still within the normal 48-72 hour doubling range. I realize my traumatized and scarred mental state (thank you, infertility) is forcing me make up bad news at every turn even where there isn't any! In fact when I first got this beta, my first reaction was heartbroken. What the heck? I don't know what I was looking for. But in hindsight, I don't there there was a number high enough that would have made me happy and giddy. But my reaction taught me a lot about the need to really let go of this obsession over these numbers. I have a fourth beta on Monday. Let's see if I can really let go. I'm praying for peace like you wouldn't believe.
I always thought that things would get easier after that BFP. I thought that finally the fear and anxiety would be lifted and I could be normal for once. I'm actually surprised at how this has all felt to me. I really want to enjoy being pregnant like everyone keeps telling me to, but despite this, I'm living in fear. If I can't shake this in the next couple of days/weeks, I might need to go talk to a therapist to try to sort it out. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the events of 2011 and infertility itself. I just want to be freed from it already. It feels like fertiles get to just pee on a stick, see a BFP and live blissfully and happily ever after until their ultrasound. Many might not even know what a beta is. But the betas are getting the best of me right now and it's not good.
Hi! I first wanted to say congratulations on your BFP! You're doing amazing growing a little human(s). I'm not really sure it's my place to comment as I might be considered one of the fertiles you refer to but I kind of want to tell you something that might give you SOME comfort. I, like most women who are trying for pregnancy, wanted to get pregnant so bad. I knew that once I got my BPF all my fear and anxiety would disappear. Not the case at all... Once I got my BPF my fear and anxiety just quadrupled. Waiting for the first ultrasound is nearly impossible for many women but we all get through it. My point isn't to rub it in that I get pregnant easily...My heart breaks for your struggles...I will always pray for you to receive motherhood; my point is to hopefully help you feel a little more like every other woman. Your struggles might make the difference in your anxiety but I think no matter what you've gone through you'll always have it...because motherhood is important. So don't be surprised that you aren't feeling a sense of relief. The only thing that will give it to you is time and babies in your arms. It's coming...your betas are right where they need to be!!! Congratulations!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting and I appreciate the kind words. First off, I don't want to offend anyone by implying that fertile women don't worry at all. I've never been fertile and pregnant, so I can't imagine the level of anxiety one has after learning they are pregnant and fertile. I only know how it feels to be infertile and pregnant. I think that my fear is unusual for a few reasons. First off, it's consuming me. It's literally consuming nearly every waking moment of the day. I'm playing the "getting bad news" moment out in my head over and over. I can't seem to stop it. I can't seem to stop thinking about Kevin's face if I ever have to tell him that this peanut stopped growing. I think about having to untell my loved ones. I can't stop thinking about it for one minute. It's keeping me awake at night.
DeleteI think another big peace is that because we struggled for so long to have this baby, there isn't even a shot at trying again next month for a new baby. I know that no baby is replaceable, but the means to create a new baby like this one will be nearly impossible. In fact, we only have one frozen embryo left and for all we know, it may not even survive the thaw. They this batch of embryos is gone forever.
I worry about the cost associated with trying again. The medical costs involved with another transfer, with buying more drugs, with taking time off work. I think about the investment of time and pain we've put into these injections, medical calendars, appointments...and these are all the least of my worries but they still weigh on me.
I have no idea what it's like to be fertile and worry, but these are my big worries. I think even among the infertiles I worry more than average because that is just who I am. I'm honestly to the point where I should probably see a therapist to help me work it out because I'm recognizing I'm not worrying at a normal level.
You're always welcome to comment and I appreciate that you read my blog. You are 100% correct: Motherhood is important. I already want the best for my little one.
Oops, I meant to say "piece" not peace. I swear I know how to spell. My fingers type faster than my brain works sometimes! Lol
DeleteOh I didn't take offense for a second. What you are going through brings tears to my eyes. Those things you listed above are all things I think about when I read your blog but didn't for a moment think about when you talk about your anxiety. I think it's so important for you to be able to feel "normal" (is there such a thing) when you're growing this life but I think at this point it's beyond an option for you. I can see why you have constant anxiety, but I wanted you to know that when people say "enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry so much", well, that's just impossible, period. As mom's we worry from the moment of implantation from...well, I guess the worry never goes away!! Your day is near...you're already growing HER! If therapy helps then I say more power to you. There is more good news...while 9 months feels an eternity away when it's past you can look back and see that it went by in a flash.
DeleteThank you, it does help me to feel normal. Feeling normal is so important. You're right.
DeleteYay for a third rising Beta! Those are awesome #s!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about not quite being as happy as you thought you would be... I was so nervous until my 6 week ultrasound. I just wanted to hear a healthy HB! I've since calmed down a bit...
This is reassuring! I've had others tell me that the ultrasound does help. I am counting down the days. I just can't wait to graduate from beta-land! :)
DeleteOh Liz I am sorry you are dealing with this stress! I wish you were getting off teh chart number and could relax, but IF is cruel! I hope that you will see a great number next time and it will take you though the ultrasound! In the mean time, even if you cant be totally relaxed, at least try to take care of yourself and not get too stressed out (easier said than done, I know!) Hope you get some nice relaxing in this weekend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I'm trying to keep myself distracted and keep the mindset of "whatever happens, happens" for Monday. I hope this is a good enough beta that they stop drawing them already and schedule the ultrasound.
DeleteHiya!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will help you, but my numbers were lower than yours and I am currently holding a sleeping baby!! Don't go crazy trying to compare your numbers with the Internet, I'm convinced over half the people on here lie to make themselves feel better (& everyone else feel worse!!)
My RE has a similar mindset about the metformin that yours does. He said he didn't really care and it was up to my OB. My OB had me take it through 12 weeks-- though looking back now my doctors said I prob should've stayed on it since I developed GD. Fun stuff!
I'm also on synthroid and can't remember what time of day I took everything, but I prob took both meds at the same time. (& it wasn't until 6 months after I gave birth that my thyroid went truly batsht, so just be sure to stay on top of testing!!)
Thank you so much for sharing. I love success stories! I am really trying to let go of the obsessiveness of the numbers and just go with the flow. :)
DeleteI know it's super duper hard to just go with the flow and not expect the worse. How is that even possible? I have no idea. I can just keep cheering you on! I'm looking forward to your first u/s. When is is scheduled for? Oh and I also think I'd listen to your OB on this one as well. If it doesn't hurt anything to stay on it, but might cause harm if you quit, why would you take that risk? Seems like a no brainer to me!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the cheering! We don't have the u/s scheduled yet. I really hope that this beta will be so good that it's our last for a while and we can schedule the u/s. I asked the nurse when they typically schedule them for, and she said 2 weeks from the first beta. That would make it next Friday. :)
DeleteCongratulations on your BFP! Those numbers look well within the normal range (which, of course, is pretty huge).
ReplyDeleteStill, I can relate to the worries you've had. Infertility makes us cautious, anxious, and generally nuts. In my case, I was sure that my betas were too high, which might mean molar pregnancy or multiples (not the case).
There will always be a next milestone to worry about, including the ones that come with actually raising the child! But I do understand how the anxieties are worse when it's taken so much work just to get pregnant in the first place.
No advice here -- only wishes for peace today and great results tomorrow!
Thank you so much for the kind words. I appreciate the support and well wishes!
DeleteHi Liz! (Jezebell26 from TB) I wanted to throw in my two cents about the metformin. When your Dr said it "did its job" I think he means because the embryo implanted. From what I know Metformin acts like glue and helps the embryos stick. I was on it all of first tri. The reason they may want to pull you off is because metformin crosses through the placenta and they try to avoid meds that do that in pregnancy. I was pulled off at 13w and then was tested for GD early and ended up on glyburide which does not cross the placenta.
ReplyDeleteAnywoooo Im thrilled with your betas and will be following your story! Wishing you the best and am so happy for your little snowflakes!!!!
Thanks for the info, that is interesting about the Metformin. For now, I'm relieved they kept me on it. I'm so glad you stopped by and are so supportive!
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