Still in a holding pattern

I had my u/s and beta this morning. No beta results yet, but I can update you on the u/s at least.

I am 8 weeks today, and we saw that the 12mm empty gestational sac from last week  had grown to 24mm today and now has a fetal pole and yolk sac. However, no heartbeat. The OB said that we should see a heartbeat by now, however it's possible that due to my tilted uterus, it's just that the ultrasound can't pick it up. I'd buy into this theory except my betas and doubling time have sucked so bad up to this point that it's difficult for me to hang onto any hope at all anymore since clearly we aren't experiencing normal stuff by now.

He said that if my beta results come back under 10,000 today then we can call it over today. Otherwise, we wait it out for another week, have a final u/s and he will feel comfortable calling it one way or the other then. I figured we'd have closure today (and we might if the beta sucks) but sounds like we are in a holding pattern until next week. I can definitely do this for another week but it's hard!

I wish I could say I was hopeful, but I'm not. I'm so freakin' damaged at this point that hope scares the absolute crap out of me. I almost feel like I'm being toyed with. :(  I pray pray PRAY I'm wrong and next week we see a beautiful heartbeat. But I'm fully expecting my beta to come back this afternoon telling the final chapter to this story as a big eff you, Liz.

There's my update. I want this to end positively like you wouldn't believe but I just can't get myself back on the hope-wagon. It kills me to see Kevin have hope in his eyes again, because I know what it will look like if it's whisked away. I probably should talk to a shrink because I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. :( Thanks for listening, caring, and thinking about us and praying for us.

I'll post the beta results once they are in.