Anxious for tomorrow

There's really not any big update but I figured I'd type something up this morning.

We are anxious awaiting tomorrow morning's ultrasound appointment. The OB said last Wednesday that he'd be able to call this pregnancy viable or not at tomorrow's appointment. I'm terrified and somewhat relieved all at the same time. However, one thing I've really come to realize is I need proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not viable for me to really believe it and take action. I'm beyond terrified of miscarrying naturally especially this late in the game at 9 weeks. I've read way too many accounts of how that process physically and emotionally goes and I don't think I can do it for a whole array of reasons. For one, I am terrified of seeing the baby come out. I couldn't even see my mom's body after she died because I wanted to remember her in her living state and I have no regrets about that. This feels similar to me. But on the flip side, I know I can't do a D&C without 110% knowing that it was already over either. It's such a delicate path to walk and either choice will have implications for the rest of my life.

Every minor cramp or twinge I have makes me immediately wonder if this is the beginning of the end. I have no idea what my hcg levels are doing since we aren't going to take anymore (according to the RE) so for all I know they are dropping. It's crazy where your mind goes to when you're going through this. But in reality, I've only had really minor cramping and no spotting whatsoever.

I don't want to sound completely doom and gloom and I am still hanging onto a glimmer of hope for a miracle heartbeat tomorrow. It does happen in miracle cases. I mean, the truth is that the OB DID see a fetal pole last week so the next step should be a heartbeat. But we are braced for either outcome. And we are even braced for having to wait some more if that's what it takes. But every day brings us closer to knowing where this will ultimately take this.

For certain I can say Kevin and I both love this baby more than anything and whether or not our snowflake baby is born here on earth or born straight to heaven, this will never change. I've been thinking a lot about the song the young mother would sing to her child in  "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. This was a cherished book my mom used to read to me when I was small and brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it, as you can imagine:

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.