The first week post-miscarriage

I can't believe I've made it through a week post-miscarriage. I never thought a "me" could exist after losing a baby, yet here I am... existing. Not sure if that makes sense, but it does to me. You just don't think ahead in life about what it would be like AFTER losing a baby.

Yesterday was our appointment with the counselor. Kevin went with me and it felt really good to get a lot of what has happened off of both of our chests. This particular counselor specializes in infertility and issues surrounding donor gametes so it was wonderful to know she understood what we were talking about without going into a lot of explanation. While at the appointment, we learned a lot about the grieving process, and about how important it is that Kevin and I care for one another during this difficult time. Most of the appointment was us talking and the counselor listening. However, she had some great advice when we did let her speak. I'm sure I can't capture her words as eloquently as she actually put them. But basically she said one of the best ways to make yourself miserable is to constantly ask yourself "why me?" Many times people get into a major rut because they won't let go of the "why me" aspect. We as humans try to look for patterns and explanations for why bad things happen to us but....

There is no pattern, no explanation. No reason why we drew the card and got picked for such severe infertility and why we shouldn't be able to have children. No reason why we got picked to lose our baby. That's the unfortunate fact of life for us but we have to accept it to move through the grief.

It's best to attempt to use our energy on things we can impact like putting a plan in place for moving forward.

She also explained that anger is a sign of fear and helplessness. Many times the most aggressive dogs are the little ones! I've definitely noticed that in my years of volunteering with animals. I've rarely met a chihuahua without some major attitude! That's because they recognize that they are physically small which leads to fear and helplessness so they turn to aggression. I've found my emotions wrought with anger through parts of this process and I realize that much of it did stem from fear and helplessness.

Lastly, while it's okay to question God to some degree, one of the most harmful things we could do is let go of Him completely right now. I'm not sure if the counselor was Christian or if she was just saying this because studies show that belief in a "higher being" is critical for working through grief. But she surprised me at the end of our session by saying that He felt immense amount of pain when His son was on the cross. He doesn't enjoy seeing his children in pain. And the worst thing we could do is sever our relationships from Him.

Here's the interesting thing. I came home from the session and spent a while continuing to talk to Kevin about what was discussed.

And then I slept like a baby last night for the first time in over a week. And it was WONDERFUL.